[Transcript of Episode 5: ‘Homeo-phobia’ from
03/13/17]
INTRO
Welcome, I’m the
Conspiracy Man. In this series we’ll be blowing the lid off many of the world’s
biggest conspiracies that the man doesn’t want you to know about. I’m recording
here in my secret underground shelter where no-one can find me.
This week we’ll be
looking at murder. Developments in investigative techniques and technology such
as DNA testing, CCTV cameras and atomic spectroscopy have made crime a lot
harder to get away with. This also has an impact on espionage. In the old days
of the Cold War you could just assassinate defectors and scientists without
getting caught and causing an international incident. But nowadays it’s so much
harder. Killing people physically via shootings and stabbings without getting arrested
is hard.
Even faking accidents
or poisoning people is so much harder as well these days. It’s not like the
good old days where you give people shoes with a piece of copper wire dipped in
a carcinogenic substance in them to give someone toe cancer, which is what the
CIA did to Bob Marley. In 2006 the Russians got in trouble when they were
accused of poisoning KGB defector Alexander Litvinenko with the radioactive
isotope Polonium-210. And just recently North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un’s
half-brother was killed at a Malaysian airport after being sprayed with a banned
chemical nerve agent. This is fine if you want people to know you did it in
order to send a message, but not so good if you want to avoid getting the blame
for it.
HOMEO-SAPIEN
Homeopathy may be the
answer. Homeopathy is an alternative medicine that works by the idea that ‘like
cures like’, similar to vaccination – but unlike vaccination this stuff actually
works and doesn’t give you autism. So, for example if you have a runny nose or
watery eyes you would take a homeopathic remedy made from onion, since onion
causes those symptoms. Now that obviously would tend to be a problem – giving a
full, undiluted dose of this to someone would exacerbate their symptoms rather
than relieve them. So, the medicine is diluted – in fact the more it’s diluted
the stronger the medicine gets. One of the standard dilutions is 30C – which is
1 part active ingredient to 100^30 parts water – which is the equivalent of one
molecule to all the atoms in the solar system. There’s basically none of the
active ingredient in the medicine you take. But because it’s shaken in a
special way it still acts as if it has that ingredient in it.
Now armed with this
knowledge lets’ think about this –take something like willow tree bark, which
is where modern aspirin comes from. Aspirin thins the blood, so if you give it
in a homeopathic dose it will do the opposite and help thicken or clot the
blood. Which is fine for someone whose blood is too thin – but if given to
someone whose blood is too thick or has underlying medical issues such as heart
problems, it would kill them. Heck if you give an even stronger dose of 100C (i.e.
even less aspirin) it would give anyone a heart attack.
But it would just
appear the victim died of natural causes. This is because no autopsy would ever
find any poison in the system since the way homeopathic medicine works there’s
probably none of the original ingredient in the dose to begin with. Even if
they did find some molecules they wouldn’t suspect since that medicine in a
non-homeopathic dose would cause the opposite of what caused the death. And it’s
even better than normal poisons since they can be put in food with no change in
taste.
SILENT ASSASSIN
Let’s go back to that
North Korean situation – instead of spraying an easily identifiable nerve agent
on him – just spray him with homeopathic poison. He’ll die ‘naturally’ and the
autopsy will pick up nothing – because there wouldn’t be anything in the
system.
This is terrifying,
and it might already be happening. Just last month, the Russian ambassador to the
United Nations, Vitaly Churkin, died of heart failure. A detailed autopsy
result is still pending, but I bet you it won’t find anything.
And it’s not just
happening in the political sphere – if you look back over the last year we
seemed to lose a lot of celebrities, including (but not limited to) David Bowie,
Prince, Alan Rickman, George Michael, Fidel Castro, Mick Jagger, Gene Wilder, Debbie
Reynolds, Princess Leia, Bill Pullman, Glenn Frey, and John Hurt.
The number of these
deaths seems far too high to be coincidental. It’s certainly suspicious –look
at the problems with George Michael’s autopsy – they struggled to pinpoint a
cause of death. Surely homeopathic assassins are to blame. Possibly some kind
of intra-governmental conspiracy, or maybe businesses wanting to use these dead
celebrities for advertisements, or maybe even a result of cheating in some kind
of ‘death pool’ run by billionaires with too much money.
NEXT TIME
Provided I am not homeopathically
poisoned by the powers that be I shall return ... in the future. Eventually. What deep
conspiracy will I be unwrapping up like an old Egyptian person? Well, let me
just say – let’s do the time warp … again? Scared – you should be?
Starring: Tinker
Written by: Tailor
Edited by: Soldier
Music by: Spy
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