[Transcript of Episode 1: 'Conspiracy: Trump and Hilary Explained!' from 05/29/16]

https://youtu.be/sM8TTFvukfU

INTRO

 Welcome, I’m the Conspiracy Man. In this series we’ll be blowing the lid off many of the world’s biggest conspiracies that the man doesn’t want you to know about. I’m recording here in my secret underground shelter where no-one can find me.

 We’ve now more or less seen the Democratic and Republican candidates finalised. In this US Presidential election year, we’ve seen a slew of candidates who nobody likes.

SO MANY TO CHOOSE FROM

 It almost feels like a reality TV show formula – fill it with a crazy bunch of screwballs so it will be entertaining. Except half the screwballs are the boring kind who just mutter and take 20 minutes to say nothing.

 On the Democrat side we’ve ended up with a 2-horse race between Bernie Sanders, who, aside from a cute accent, is Joseph Stalin incarnate, and Hilary Clinton, who people don’t like, which is probably because she’s a woman, or maybe because a) she sucks, and b) people are kind of sick of political dynasties. Although with Hilary it does show that any woman can grow up to be President, provided their husband gets to be President first.

  And even worse Hilary is the favourite to win the whole thing. This is because the Republican party is trying to commit harakiri. Their tactic seems to be to pick candidates that non-Republicans don’t want to vote for.

 At the start of the race, Jeb Bush was the Republican favourite and choice of the party establishment. I’m not sure why anyone would think a Bush would be a good bet. His brother was the most unpopular President ever, possibly. At least with Hilary, Bill Clinton is remembered as a fairly good President, especially when he was able to keep it in his pants. It’s really no wonder Jeb didn’t make any impact and attracted so few votes in the early primaries he dropped out of the race so early on. I mean, could they have found a worse relative of a disliked former President, does Richard Nixon have any children?

 The last ‘mainstream’ Republican candidate to fall was Ed Kasich, a man who probably doesn’t exist. Or John Kasich sorry, whatever. I googled for pictures of him and nothing came up, maybe because I typed ‘ed kasich’, or maybe because you can’t have pictures of someone who doesn’t exist. Just more evidence of this conspiracy.

THE TRUMP CARD

 Then there’s the Donald Trump, the presumptive Republican nominee. A man who seems to be a sketch comedy hybrid of two former Italian leaders. He’s an orange celebrity businessman with some questionable hair like Silvio Berlusconi. And he’s also a far right-wing nut with cartoonish mannerisms like Benito Mussolini. He’s presented himself as an outsider candidate – someone who isn’t part of the political establishment. Which he isn’t, he’s actually part of the business elite establishment. But the man’s been an outsider all his life. He’s a New York, millionaire property developer with rich parents. If that’s not outsider material, then who is? Almost anyone else.

 He's the 1% of the 1% of the 1%. It’s funny how a couple of terms ago, when we had the GFC, if he had run then no-one would’ve voted for him. The 1% destroyed our economy, and now we’re supposed to trust them to fix it. Trust. He is trustworthy, apparently, because he isn’t politically correct and says what’s on his mind. That’s less being plain-speaking then being a loudmouth. He’s kind of like your racist, sexist uncle who always says inappropriate things. But the people who like him, like his straightforwardness and honesty, which is odd considering he’s a real estate developer. When they release those surveys about the least trusted profession, politicians feature near the top, which is why people don’t like establishment candidates. But ‘property developer’? What next, are we gonna have used car salesmen running for office next?

 The last guy he beat was Ted Cruz, who was the choice of the Republican establishment in the end since Trump is such a loose cannon. In fact, if it wasn’t for Trump, the ultra-conservative religious Cruz would be seen as the crazy outsider candidate.

WHY IS IT SO?

 What is the explanation for the dearth of good candidates for the most powerful job on Earth? This is a trend that has seemed to be happening for decades and it’s also present in other countries. From Britain to Spain to Australia to even the Philippines, where they just elected their own version of Trump as President (Rodrigo Duterte), we see this happening. Voters are getting increasingly disillusioned with politicians and the quality of candidates to choose from. Why is this? What is the real reason behind this political ennui?

 The answer is, of course, is the most obvious one. Lizard people! It would seem major parties are deliberately putting forward terrible, terrible candidates so that in the future when our only choices are between 2 reptilians, they won’t really seem that bad compared to people like Hilary and Trump. Most political leaders are already actually lizard people in disguise, but shapeshifting is really difficult and quite possibly many lizard people can’t hold a human shape properly and end up just looking weird. Hence if they can come out openly it will just be easier for them.

 Their plan is already bearing fruit, as people are already seeming willing to vote for lizard people, as this write-in vote in the 2008 US Senate election shows. For more evidence of people being so disillusioned they’re okay for voting for saurians, look at the Ontario Province election of 2003. A Progressive Conservative press release called opposition leader Dalton McGuinty an ‘evil reptilian kitten-eater from another planet’. The result – McGuinty won in a landslide. Showing that people are happy to vote for an evil lizard person so long as they promise to focus on health and education. And it also shows that people from Toronto are probably dog-people. Not actual dog-people, I mean they prefer dogs to cats. Although dog-people are actually a thing as well.

 How do we stop this lizard people takeover? I don’t know, I’m just the messenger. I’m about problems, not solutions.

NEXT TIME

 Provided I am not taken out by the powers that be I shall return ...  in the future. Probably. What deep conspiracy will I be unmasking like a cheap Halloween dress-up next time? Well, let me just say – mutant bears ravaging delicate ecosystems. Scared – you should be?

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