[Transcript of Episode 13: ‘Is
Baseball Satanic?’ from
10/03/17]
INTRO
Welcome, I’m the
Conspiracy Man. In this series we’ll be blowing the lid off many of the world’s
biggest conspiracies that the man doesn’t want you to know about.
We’ve all heard of
how UPC codes secretly contain the number ‘666’. It’s a plot to get us use the
mark of the beast to conduct commerce. It’s in Revelations, people!
But Satan is also
using other means. The best way to pull people off the righteous path and unto
a road to damnation is by using something that seems innocent and wholesome.
And what is more wholesome and innocent to the American people than baseball.
SATANIC SYMBOLISM
The evidence is
everywhere but people just refuse to notice.
Rock music and heavy
metal are decried as promoting devil worship with the use of the sign of the
horns, but in baseball it’s used all the time, supposedly by fielders to signal
that there are 2 outs, but what idiot would ever not know there are 2 outs?
Why does baseball
use percentages for standings and stats but have them written as 3-point
decimals? Well, if you have 3-digits you can have the mark of the beast – 666.
Baseball is an
indecent, sexually-charged sport – men swinging large, long pieces of wood.
Baseball terms are used as euphemisms for sex (‘getting to second base’). Also
as euphemisms for homosexuality – ‘switch-hitter’, ‘batting for the other
team’, ‘softball’.
As any good Catholic
knows, left-handedness is evil – the word ‘sinister’ comes from the Latin for
‘left-handed’. But in baseball left-handedness is celebrated and even advantageous.
Left-handed pitchers are over-represented in baseball. Left-handed batters have
a natural advantage in baseball due to it being easier to hit right-handed
pitchers and due to them being closer to first base since the bases are run
anti-clockwise. Anti as in Antichrist!
But wait, there’s
more! Baseball practices human sacrifice. And even baseball purists themselves
will admit that the designated hitter is an amoral concept forged by Lucifer
himself.
The shape of the
infield is a diamond, that’s not satanic. But look at home plate – 5 sided.
Shocking. And while the infield is a diamond shape, let’s look at the standard
alignment of infielders, those 5 dots – pentagram. In recent years some
God-fearing managers have been using ‘shifts’ under the guise of that working
better defensively, but that’s just a cover.
How about false
prophets? There are many players claiming to be Jesus – Jesus Montero, Jesus
Colome, David DeJesus and many more.
7 DEADLY SINS, 10 COMMANDMENTS, 9 INNINGS
What about the 7 deadly sins?
Greed: Owner avarice and player salaries. Check. Jeffry
Loria. Double check.
Sloth: Players not running out ground balls. Check.
Wrath: Fighting. Check.
Pride: Players taking revenge for batters ‘showing them up’
by celebrating home runs. Check.
Lust: Grown men embracing each other. Check.
Envy: One team gets a new stadium then everyone else wants
one. Check.
Gluttony: So many fatties! Check.
Baseball also breaks
most of the 10 commandments?
-Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain: One
of the most famous commentator exclamations is a blasphemy.
-Remember the Sabbath, to keep it holy: Baseball has a seven
day a week schedule and every team plays games every week on the Sabbath.
-Thou shalt not kill: The great 1920’s Yankee line-up was
called ‘Murderer’s Row’, a reference not just to their batting ability but the
multiple unsolved murders I assume they committed.
-Thou shalt not steal: Players steal all the time. They
steal bases. They steal signs. They steal hearts.
-Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour: Catchers’ framing pitches to make them look like strikes. Sacrilegious.
EL DIABLOS DE BEISBOL
The MLB has tried to
cover their devil worship with team names – we have the Angels, the Padres and
they removed the ‘Devil’ from the Tampa Bay Devil Rays.
But let’s look what
happens when we play the old baseball standard ‘Take me out to the ball game’
backwards. Shocking – hidden Satanic messages. So I encourage everyone to
boycott MLB and stick to a more wholesome American sporting organisation, the
NFL.
NEXT TIME
Provided I am not
taken out by the powers that be I shall return. As long as I’m not designated
for assignment. What conspiracy will I doubling off first? Well, let me just
say – it ain’t just fluoride that they is putting ins our waters. Scared – you
should be?
Starring: Albert Pujols
Written by: Rusty Kuntz
Edited by: Goose Gossage
Music by: Gaylord Perry
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