[Transcript of Episode 2:
‘Krazy Killer Koalas’ from 09/30/16]
INTRO
Welcome, I’m the
Conspiracy Man. In this series we’ll be blowing the lid off many of the world’s
biggest conspiracies that the man doesn’t want you to know about. I’m recording
here in my secret underground shelter where no-one can find me.
This week we’ll be
looking at an evil plot to cripple the ecological security and biodiversity of
many countries throughout the world. Feral invasive species have done a lot of
damage to countries throughout the world. For example, carp in North America,
gray squirrels displacing native red squirrels in Britain, cane toads in
Australia, feral dogs and cats killing native animals around the globe, kudzu in
the south, and spreading from the southern US border we see populations of
killer bees and Mexicans taking over.
Most of these
invasive species were introduced either by accident, such as stowing away on
ships or escaping farms and gardens, or, if done on purpose were because people
were idiots. For example – the cane toad was introduced into Australia to
control cane beetles. Problem is they didn’t have any impact on sugar cane
beetles but thrived anyway and have spread at an alarming rate. And they’re
ugly to boot.
But what about invasive
species introduced by a foreign power deliberately to weaken an enemy? It is
like the old idea of catapulting infected corpses over the walls of besieged
castles. These introduced species can destroy the local environment, decimate
populations of native wildlife, and lower the productivity of agricultural land
and the quality of water.
And one country is
plotting this exact scheme – who is it you say? China? No. Russia? No. North
Korea? No. Guinea-Bissau? No. It’s Australia, Uncle Sams’ supposed staunch
ally. Their plan is to spread koalas through America and other selected
countries and let them go feral and cause environmental damage. Yes, koalas.
KOALAS
There are reasons why
koalas haven’t already taken root in other countries. For one their diet
consists of eucalyptus tree leaves. That’s all they eat. The key to their
survival is that no other animals really eat that. It’s similar to pandas and
bamboo. Very similar in fact, since to digest these products they both get fed
faeces by their mums to help them get the bacteria in their gut needed to
digest leaves and bamboo respectively.
Although eucalyptus
trees have been imported to other places, especially California, they are still
rather scarce around the globe. To get around this problem of lacking a food
source in foreign countries, I’ve received information that Australian scientists
are genetically engineering koalas to eat the leaves of other trees, with the
possible added benefit of not needing to eat shit beforehand.
So why koalas in the
first place – they are slow, fat, weak, lazy, and they don’t breed quickly. But
they have one quality that matters, or at least matters to humans – they’re
damn cute. People fucking love koalas.
People love cute
animals – from dolphins and whales to tigers – the sexier the animal the more
people want to protect them and go insane if anyone wants to harm them, even in
situations where it’s for their own good.
Because of the
cuteness of koalas’ people won’t just not kill these feral animals they will
actively protect them by maybe constructing habitats for them in their backyard
trees and forming groups to lobby for their protection, which koalas need since
they are so useless.
HORSES
Although it seems crazy
that governments would allow these verminous koalas to exist or even to protect
them there is some precedent for this. Horses. Horses are loved by humans.
They’ve been a part of human culture for millennia and pass the cuteness test.
Although you’d probably describe them as sexy, rather than cute. Mustangs are
the American descendants of horses let go feral by the Spaniards in the 1500’s.
They are protected and managed by the Wild and Free-Roaming Horses and Burros
Act 1971. They’re protected, even though they are a feral invasive species, not
a native animal.
One of the arguments
for the protection of the mustang is that it is has cultural importance to
America, symbolizing the frontier spirit and blah blah blah. Well, if that’s
the case why don’t they also give protected status to feral pigs. They also
played an important role in the development of the United States – when they
were introduced into eastern North America they went feral and destroyed native
Americans farmed crops which made it much easier for Europeans to displace the
Indians and take their land.
Horses actually were
in the Americas but went extinct there several thousands of years ago – or, if
you a literal creationist, before the Earth existed. So that makes it okay that
they were ‘reintroduced’ – so what, are we calling feral mustangs native because
we disagree with the process of evolution making animals extinct That’s Jurassic
Park-level God complex. In fact, I’ve heard reports of falsified archaeological
evidence showing koalas were present in other countries.
Heck, even in
Australia people love feral horses. They call them ‘brumbies’. They cause
damage to the environment and denigrate pastures. But people lose their shit if
the National Parks people try to cull them – because they are pretty and are a
romantic part of Australian colonial history. As opposed to the less romantic
part of colonial Australian history of shooting Aborigines.
NEXT TIME
Once koalas get
established and destroy the foliage of native trees you’ll see ecological
collapse in host countries. And the Aussie economy is the beneficiary at the
expense of those of the rest of the world.
Provided I am not taken
out by the powers that be I shall return ...
in the future. Eventually. What deep conspiracy will I be unravelling
like a fake Moroccan rug? Well, let me just say – limited unlimited power.
Scared – you should be?
Starring: John Doe
Written by: Jane Doe
Edited by: Juan Doe
Music by: John Cougar Doe
No comments:
Post a Comment