[Transcript of Episode 10: ‘Gluten Free-dom: The Conspiracy Behind the Gluten-Free Fad’ from 07/19/17]

https://youtu.be/3Uxenwd8j18

INTRO

 Welcome, I’m the Conspiracy Man. In this series we’ll be blowing the lid off many of the world’s biggest conspiracies that the man doesn’t want you to know about.

 Gluten-free diets are increasing in popularity in the West, with surveys saying up to a third of Americans are avoiding gluten or cutting down on how much they eat.  There’s no shortage of celebrities and sportspeople preaching the health benefits of gluten-freedom. It supposedly helps with weight loss, gastrointestinal health, wellbeing and energy levels. But there is no clear evidence avoiding gluten is beneficial, aside from helping a select few who are allergic to it.

WHAT IN TARNATION IS GLUTEN?

 Gluten itself is a protein found in wheat but not in other grains like rice and corn.

Coeliac disease is an autoimmune disorder caused by a reaction to gluten. Coeliacs can’t have gluten because it will make them sick and can cause long-term health problems. About 1-2% of the populace are Coeliacs. Sorry, I mean ‘people with Coeliac disease’, I don’t want to be non-PC. You can’t say blind people, you have to say ‘people with vision impairment’. What is with these people, did they read George Orwell’s 1984 and instead of being horrified by it, they took inspiration from it to control people’s thoughts via language.

 Of course, that’s if we assume Coeliac disease is even real. It probably is but can we be sure? It might be a made-up disease like AIDS.

 There are also people with non-celiac gluten sensitivity, which might affect up to around 10% of people. This gluten intolerance is controversial as there’s debate whether it’s real or not even caused by gluten but by other things like FODMAPs, which are present in many gluten-containing foods.

 There is conjecture about whether gluten intolerance is actually a real thing or if it might be more like ‘Chinese food syndrome’ which is blamed on MSG, but MSG doesn’t hurt people aside from a very small percentage – it’s the rubbish Chinese takeout that’s the real problem.

GLUTEN-FREE-DOM

 Gluten-free foods have a health halo – people perceive foods are healthier if they are labelled gluten-free. Many people go on gluten-free diets in order to lose weight even though gluten-free alternatives tend to often be higher in calories and fat than their gluten-laden originals. Ironically , people with Coeliac disease tend to gain weight when on gluten-free diets because of better calorie absorption and increased appetite from not feeling sick.

 It’s so attractive to consumers that companies love to put ‘gluten-free’ on their products even on obvious products like rice.

 Gluten-free products and gluten alternatives tend to be more expensive than their gluten-filled counterparts. This, combined with their growing popularity, has made them lucrative with gluten-free products being a multi-billion-dollar industry.

Me, I ain’t scared of gluten – I eat gluten for breakfast … literally

GLUTEUS MAXIMUS

 This gluten-free obsession has spread well beyond people who actually have problems when consuming gluten. This whole movement is not a random fad that grew organically – it’s a fiendish scheme masterminded by various Coeliac Associations. If they can’t have gluten, then no-one can. The idea is to get ‘normals’ to consume gluten-free foods which means supermarkets and restaurants will offer a lot more gluten-free options that Coeliacs can take advantage of.

 This has happened before. In the 80’s and 90’s the soy milk fad was created by those with lactose intolerance. Before this time most dairy products contained lactose-containing cows’ milk. But then soy milk was cast as being super healthy and cow’s milk unhealthy and now supermarket shelves are packed with not just soy milk but almond, rice, oats, basically anything you can make milk out of. And cafes stock all these milks so hipsters can get their soy mochaccinos, the upside being the better availability of lactose-free dairy products for the lactose intolerant.

 I suppose, is this really even a bad thing? People with coeliac disease and gluten intolerance benefit greatly from not just all the gluten-free alternatives but from many products that use wheat based products in them now using gluten alternatives, allowing them much greater freedom in their food choices. And the only real victims are the idiotic fad dieters and foodies needlessly consuming gluten free products.

 Which food allergy group will use this tactic next? Maybe those allergic to peanuts will try it, spreading rumors among the trendies and snake oil salesmen that peanuts are unhealthy and uncool. You may scoff but next time they might come for you and your family …’s favourite food.

OUTRO (0:40)

 Provided I am not taken out by the powers that be, I shall return ...  if I don’t die from (anaphylactic shock / an allergic reaction to Benzedrine). What conspiracy will I be digesting? Well, let me just say – ‘performance’ enhancing drugs. Scared – you should be?

Starring: Corn

Written by: Rice

Edited by: Quinoa

Music by: Oats