Welcome, I’m the
Conspiracy Man. In this series we’ll be blowing the lid off many of the world’s
biggest conspiracies that the man doesn’t want you to know about.
Ever since the dawn
of sport, athletes have been putting stuff inside themselves in order to enhance
performance.
A STEROID
Of course, not all PED
use is cheating, many of these drugs have medical uses for people who have
health problems. This means athletes can apply for medical exemptions to use
these drugs.
Tennis players such
as Serena Williams and Maria Sharapova has these medical exemptions and are
only a fraction of the many sportspeople who have so many health problems. It
certainly puts paid to the idea that sportspeople are healthy – they seem to
have more medical problems than the general populace. Obviously working out and
exercising combined with genetics that make you strong and fit must result in
being more likely to be unhealthy, which is counterintuitive to the highest
degree, but the only other explanation is that some of these exemptions are
bogus and just an excuse to be able to take PEDs.
In baseball reports
had up to 10% of players taking Adderall, which is an amphetamine, to help control
concentration disorders such as ADD and ADHD. Of course, Adderall and such
drugs aren’t always prescribed for people with these conditions, so the
proportion of players in Major League Baseball who have this condition must be
incredibly high and is very odd considering the proportion of the general US
populace who have these disorders closer to 2 to 5%.
SPORT IS ART
But it’s not just sport
where you can be a drug cheat – I’m talking about art. Specifically drugs that
garner a mental advantage. Mind-altering substances. These drugs can also have
impact in sports – drug use in chess or the Chinese board game Go to improve
performance is a scandal waiting to happen. Although it’s probably the only way
we can defeat the computers.
In the old days
people used cannabis, opium, magic mushrooms, and even alcohol to do this. In
modern times, further substances have been invented that also have this
ability, such as ecstasy, amphetamines, and LSD.
COME ON, EVERYONE ELSE IS DOING IT
There are many
examples of artists who have done incredible things while on these
mind-altering substances. Vincent van Gogh drank absinthe, Charles Dickens used
opium, visionary science fiction writer Philip K. Dick had many struggles with
drugs such as amphetamines, Stephen King wrote some of his greatest works while
off his face on a cocktail of various substances and surrealist artists have
often used drugs to help them reach a state of mind in which to create their
weird art.
It’s even more
prevalent in music. The Beatles, I am the Walrus, Yellow Submarine, Lucy in the
Sky with Diamonds *cough*. The Beach Boys – ‘Good Vibrations’ indeed. Actually,
pretty much all music in the 60’s and 70’s was made under the influence (or using
time travel plagiarism).
What’s wrong with
these so-called creative people – surely you’re a bit of a hack if you have to
get off your nut to do your best work. Though the performance-enhancing aspect is
often a secondary motivation – these creative types tend to like getting high.
I will also admit
that just because they took these substances doesn’t mean these helped them
create their work. Some of this is coincidence but a lot isn’t. The altered
states of mind these drugs give can unleash a torrent of manic creativity or
lucid state of mind that the artist might have struggled to achieve otherwise.
There is real science
backing this up. Experiments with LSD and its effect on creativity and mental
performance we’re done back in the 60’s, before it was made illegal in the US.
In current times, there is a renewed push to use these drugs in the form of
microdosing – taking small doses of psychedelic drugs – to boost creativity and
productivity.
A BLIND EYE
Some might argue that
this isn’t a problem – if people want to take drugs well that’s up to them. But
just like PEDs for sport this is completely unfair – people are taking often
illegal substances and gaining an advantage over their competitors. And as with
other PEDs, these drugs come with many short and long-term health risks, not
just physical but psychological too.
There’s also the
message this sends to kids that cheating is the way to go. This is more a
problem in sports, as little kids, especially girls, don’t want to grow up to
be a Lindsay Lohan or a Miley Cyrus, they want to be like a Serena or … um a
Serena.
There’s a ridiculous
double-standard here. Barry Bonds will never get into the Baseball Hall of Fame
but look at the Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall of Fame – full of artists who were on
mind-bending drugs and who possibly in those states, and partly due to those
states, composed their magnum opuses.
What are the
authorities doing about this? Sure, drugs like LSD and weed are illegal. But steroids
are illegal aside from for medical use and that hasn’t stopped the use of them
being a major problem in sports. The same rules that apply to athletes should
apply to artists – they are after all called ‘performance’-enhancing drugs.
I’ve written about this specific issue to former World Anti-Doping Agency chief
Dick Pound and he replied that he was looking hard to thrust his head into
this.
I won’t be satisfied
until random drug testing of artists – I want to see Kanye West urinating into
a specimen cup. I want to see Meryl Streep walking the Oscars red carpet and suddenly
someone come up and swab a Q-tip in her mouth.
NEXT TIME
Provided I am not suspended
by WADA I shall return. What deep conspiracy will I be hallucinating about
while on an acid trip? Well, let me just say – 11/9, sorry wrong date format –
9/11. Scared – you should be?
Starring: Ben Johnson
Written by: Barry Bonds
Edited by: Lance Armstrong
Music by: Marion Jones
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