[Transcript of Episode 15: ‘The JFK Conspiracy Spectacular!' from 11/22/17]

https://youtu.be/kkaXh9rhFa8

INTRO

 Welcome, I’m the Conspiracy Man.

 Coming up on the 54^th anniversary of JFK’s assassination, the US Government released a bunch of classified material relating to the JFK assassination. But then Donald Trump and the government rescinded the release of some of these documents, supposedly in the guise of protecting the national interest. Looks like we’ll never be told the truth.

 There are so many theories and many of them have either evidence supporting them (such as the CIA theory) or sound plausible (like the alien abduction theory). Let’s go through all these various conspiracies and assign likelihoods of them being true.

THE SHOT HEARD ROUND THE WORLD

 We were in the middle of the Cold War, so a natural suspect would be the Communists. But which ones – Cubans, Vietnamese, Ruskis, or Chinamen?

 The Soviet Union was America’s main enemy and the Cuban missile crisis had only recently occurred, making those Russians a natural suspect. Certainly, nowadays they don’t mind interfering in our politics. Chance that Soviets did it: 10%

 What about the Chinese? Maybe Kennedy was some sort of Manchurian Candidate style Chinese plant who rebelled and had to be put down. Chances Mao did it: 2%

 Kennedy was supporting South Vietnam, so that gives the Communist North a motive, but killing him wouldn’t really prevent the US from getting further involved. Chances Charlie shot him: 2%

 Then there’s Cuba. In 1961 The Bay of Pigs invasion was orchestrated by the CIA to overthrow Fidel Castro. And there had been numerous other attempts on Castro’s life connected to the CIA, so would it be any surprise he might want to strike back? Chance El Presidente Castro es asesino: 15%

PROFSSOR PLUM IN THE BOOK DEPSOITORY WITH THE RIFLE

 Maybe LBJ went all the way – did Vice President Lyndon B. Johnson shoot his boss so he could take his job? Chances that LBJ JFK DOA: 6%

 The most prominent conspiracy theory is that the JFK assassination was a plot by the CIA, Secret Service, or some other government agency. There could be any number of possible motivations – he was going to cut their funding; fears of JFK’s popularity leading to dictatorship; disagreement with his policies; partisanship; or maybe they just hated his stupid Boston accent. Chances G-men shot JFK in his car: 20%.

 There is the possibility than rather a plot by clandestine G-men or agents of a malevolent foreign power JFK could have been knocked off by a domestic crackpot. You know the type, people who are mistrusting of government, with weird political ideologies, always alleging some kind of conspiracy or another, ahem. But given that it’s the official story, that Lee Harvey Oswald was a lone nut, there is no way it’s true. Chance of being true: 0%

THE OLD SWITHEROO

 Everyone always goes on about how Elvis faked his death and went into hiding, but no-one ever makes that accusation regarding President Kennedy. Did the Secret Service replace him on that motorcade in Dallas on that fateful day with either an unwitting decoy or a dummy? The decoy is possible, since he was shot through the head and exploded head.

 Why? The possibility of some massive scandal about to break would seem the most likely reason. There were rumors about the Kennedy clan’s possible connection to the Mob or accusations of election vote-rigging in Chicago. Maybe to prevent that coming out Kennedy needed to ‘disappear’. But I think the more likely reason is he got caught in a honeypot.

 A honeypot, or honeytrap, is where a foreign power sends a sexy female (or male) agent to become romantically involved with a senior official and they can use this to steal government secrets or blackmail the official. The KGB was especially fond of this, for example trapping the British ambassador to Moscow during the 60’s in this way.

 Kennedy was especially susceptible to this since he couldn’t keep it in his pants. Let’s suggest he was compromised and was being blackmailed or spied on. The only way out to avoid public disgrace and possible indictment would be to disappear and let Vice President LBG ... LGBT ... Vice President LBJ take over.

 Is it possible this honey was Marylin Monroe? She died in ’62 from an overdose – but was it the Secret Service who actually killed her? She was in Hollywood – and, as we know from Senator Joe McCarthy, Hollywood was full of Communists.

 Chances Kennedy faked death: 30%

 Maybe extra-terrestrials are responsible – we do know they like to abduct Americans. They could’ve abducted JFK and to cover it up the Secret Service set-up a fake dummy to be shot. This has even been referenced in The Simpsons. Chances of being true: 15%

THE DEAD POOL

 Let’s go to the board:

Shot by Soviets:                                                                10%

Shot by Chinese:                                                              2%

Shot by Vietnamese:                                                      2%

Shot by Cubans:                                                                15%

Shot by LBJ:                                                                        6%

Shot by G-men:                                                                20%

Shot by crackpot:                                                             0%

JFK faked his death:                                                        30%

Alien Abduction:                                                              15%

 What do I reckon – well I’m putting my money on the JFK-faked-death theory. Maybe he’s still out there, watching this exact video. If he is, can he please call me. My grandma met you on the campaign trail in 1959 and, well, my Mom was born early in 1960.

NEXT TIME

 Provided I am not shot by Jack Ruby I shall return. What conspiracy will I be firing at from behind the grassy knoll? Well, let me just say – the YouTube censorship has already sailed. Scared – you should be?

Starring: Lee Harvey Oswald

Written by: Fidel Castro

Edited by: J. Edgar Hoover

Music by: Jack Ruby