[Transcript of Episode 16: ‘YouTube Conspiracy + 2016 Recap’ from 12/29/17]

https://youtu.be/jtpKsRl0PSU

INTRO

  Welcome, I’m the Conspiracy Man. Yes, I’m not wearing a Guy Fawkes mask, because I’m not a poser – I’m the real deal, I ain’t wearing a mass-produced corporatized piece of movie merchandise.

 To end the year, we’ll be recapping what I’ve proven this year, but first let’s look at a conspiracy regarding YouTube itself.

YOUTUBE CENSORSHIP

 There’s been a lot of controversy regarding YouTube and censorship.

 Before I created this series, I made a bunch of videos about Islamic State mouthpiece Jihadi John, who is no longer with this, having been hit with a non-homeopathic missile in the face. Basically, I took the footage, removed his audio and replaced it with audio from other sources, similar to the greatest of all YouTube videos, ‘the Vader Sessions’. Just like that video, there were no lip-syncing issues, making it a work of comic genius.

 But recently I received an email notifying me that my video had been taken down and given a Community Strike. I’ve basically been censored. Is YouTube so politically correct that a video making fun of terrorists is regarded as ‘hate speech’, lest we hurt their feelings?

 And it’s not just overt censorship. Why hasn’t this video gotten more views? We know that YouTube uses algorithms to suggest videos that you would be interested in. Who’s to stop them fiddling with these algorithms to get the results they want?

 Satire and parody to belittle the evil and powerful is a great way to fight their sinister propaganda. Why would YouTube take down a video that had the power to degrade and destroy Islamic State? How many other peoples’ videos making fun of IS has YouTube taken down? Could we have seen a IS collapsing under a tsunami of ridicule? Sorry, I should use the term the BBC uses, so-called Islamic State. Hashtag not all Muslims.

DO BE EVIL

 So, what is the deal with YouTube, and furthermore their parent company Google? Why would they remove a video that was anti-so-called Islamic State? Were they trying to protect so-called Islamic State supporters’ feelings? Does so-called YouTube secretly support so-called Islamic State? Based on this so-called evidence, the so-called answer is yes.

 Also, the lack of views for the Conspiracy Man series can only be because I am telling the truth that they don’t want to get out. Surely there is no other explanation for this channel’s complete lack of success. I’m spitting out righteous truth and they can’t handle it.

 The ball is in your court Google. Oh, and please don’t take down this video.

WHAT A YEAR!

 There are 12 months in a year and I exposed 12 conspiracies – coincidence? I don’t think so. I covered everything – the JFK assassination; time travel and PED use in the entertainment industry; the secret propaganda of James Bond movies, the people behind the gluten-free fad; who was really responsible for 9/11; which part of the United Kingdom will be the next to push for independence; the other poisons put in our fluoridated water supply and secret symbolism in baseball. I’ve even tackled the end of the world, which didn’t happen this year only because some people believed it would. Yes, that does make sense.

 But the one I’m most proud of is how I exposed the use of undetectable homeopathic poisons to secretly assassinate people. Now let us have a roll call of all the people who have died this year as a result of being covertly murdered by homeopathy-wielding assassins.

Roll Call: [not sure about order]

David Cassidy     1950-2017            Liver failure

Tom Petty           1950-2017            Cardiac arrest

Hugh Hefner      1926-2017            Various

Jerry Lewis          1926-2017            Cardiovascular disease

Adam West         1928-2017            Leukemia           

Roger Moore     1927-2017            Cancer

Chris Cornell       1964-2017            Suicide

Chuck Berry        1926-2017            Probable Cardiac Arrest

Bill Paxton          1955-2017            Stroke

John Hurt             1940-2017            Pancreatic Cancer

Kevin Spaceys’ Career    1981-2017            Sexual Misconduct

Luke Skywalker                 1977-2017            Lightsaber

THE FUTURE?

 Provided I am not taken out by the ‘powers that be’ [i.e. YouTube] I shall return. What does next year hold? We’ll be covering everything from flat-earthers to climate change, from the Marvel Comics Cinematic Universe to the actual universe, and from hidden messages in songs to the Great Bard himself, Shakespeare.

 But what will we start the year with? Well, let me just say – the Oscars ‘race’. Scared – you should be?                   

Starring: Mr. Starr

Written by: Ms. Wright

Edited by: Mr. Cutter

Music by: Mr. Music

[Transcript of Episode 15: ‘The JFK Conspiracy Spectacular!' from 11/22/17]

https://youtu.be/kkaXh9rhFa8

INTRO

 Welcome, I’m the Conspiracy Man.

 Coming up on the 54^th anniversary of JFK’s assassination, the US Government released a bunch of classified material relating to the JFK assassination. But then Donald Trump and the government rescinded the release of some of these documents, supposedly in the guise of protecting the national interest. Looks like we’ll never be told the truth.

 There are so many theories and many of them have either evidence supporting them (such as the CIA theory) or sound plausible (like the alien abduction theory). Let’s go through all these various conspiracies and assign likelihoods of them being true.

THE SHOT HEARD ROUND THE WORLD

 We were in the middle of the Cold War, so a natural suspect would be the Communists. But which ones – Cubans, Vietnamese, Ruskis, or Chinamen?

 The Soviet Union was America’s main enemy and the Cuban missile crisis had only recently occurred, making those Russians a natural suspect. Certainly, nowadays they don’t mind interfering in our politics. Chance that Soviets did it: 10%

 What about the Chinese? Maybe Kennedy was some sort of Manchurian Candidate style Chinese plant who rebelled and had to be put down. Chances Mao did it: 2%

 Kennedy was supporting South Vietnam, so that gives the Communist North a motive, but killing him wouldn’t really prevent the US from getting further involved. Chances Charlie shot him: 2%

 Then there’s Cuba. In 1961 The Bay of Pigs invasion was orchestrated by the CIA to overthrow Fidel Castro. And there had been numerous other attempts on Castro’s life connected to the CIA, so would it be any surprise he might want to strike back? Chance El Presidente Castro es asesino: 15%

PROFSSOR PLUM IN THE BOOK DEPSOITORY WITH THE RIFLE

 Maybe LBJ went all the way – did Vice President Lyndon B. Johnson shoot his boss so he could take his job? Chances that LBJ JFK DOA: 6%

 The most prominent conspiracy theory is that the JFK assassination was a plot by the CIA, Secret Service, or some other government agency. There could be any number of possible motivations – he was going to cut their funding; fears of JFK’s popularity leading to dictatorship; disagreement with his policies; partisanship; or maybe they just hated his stupid Boston accent. Chances G-men shot JFK in his car: 20%.

 There is the possibility than rather a plot by clandestine G-men or agents of a malevolent foreign power JFK could have been knocked off by a domestic crackpot. You know the type, people who are mistrusting of government, with weird political ideologies, always alleging some kind of conspiracy or another, ahem. But given that it’s the official story, that Lee Harvey Oswald was a lone nut, there is no way it’s true. Chance of being true: 0%

THE OLD SWITHEROO

 Everyone always goes on about how Elvis faked his death and went into hiding, but no-one ever makes that accusation regarding President Kennedy. Did the Secret Service replace him on that motorcade in Dallas on that fateful day with either an unwitting decoy or a dummy? The decoy is possible, since he was shot through the head and exploded head.

 Why? The possibility of some massive scandal about to break would seem the most likely reason. There were rumors about the Kennedy clan’s possible connection to the Mob or accusations of election vote-rigging in Chicago. Maybe to prevent that coming out Kennedy needed to ‘disappear’. But I think the more likely reason is he got caught in a honeypot.

 A honeypot, or honeytrap, is where a foreign power sends a sexy female (or male) agent to become romantically involved with a senior official and they can use this to steal government secrets or blackmail the official. The KGB was especially fond of this, for example trapping the British ambassador to Moscow during the 60’s in this way.

 Kennedy was especially susceptible to this since he couldn’t keep it in his pants. Let’s suggest he was compromised and was being blackmailed or spied on. The only way out to avoid public disgrace and possible indictment would be to disappear and let Vice President LBG ... LGBT ... Vice President LBJ take over.

 Is it possible this honey was Marylin Monroe? She died in ’62 from an overdose – but was it the Secret Service who actually killed her? She was in Hollywood – and, as we know from Senator Joe McCarthy, Hollywood was full of Communists.

 Chances Kennedy faked death: 30%

 Maybe extra-terrestrials are responsible – we do know they like to abduct Americans. They could’ve abducted JFK and to cover it up the Secret Service set-up a fake dummy to be shot. This has even been referenced in The Simpsons. Chances of being true: 15%

THE DEAD POOL

 Let’s go to the board:

Shot by Soviets:                                                                10%

Shot by Chinese:                                                              2%

Shot by Vietnamese:                                                      2%

Shot by Cubans:                                                                15%

Shot by LBJ:                                                                        6%

Shot by G-men:                                                                20%

Shot by crackpot:                                                             0%

JFK faked his death:                                                        30%

Alien Abduction:                                                              15%

 What do I reckon – well I’m putting my money on the JFK-faked-death theory. Maybe he’s still out there, watching this exact video. If he is, can he please call me. My grandma met you on the campaign trail in 1959 and, well, my Mom was born early in 1960.

NEXT TIME

 Provided I am not shot by Jack Ruby I shall return. What conspiracy will I be firing at from behind the grassy knoll? Well, let me just say – the YouTube censorship has already sailed. Scared – you should be?

Starring: Lee Harvey Oswald

Written by: Fidel Castro

Edited by: J. Edgar Hoover

Music by: Jack Ruby

[Transcript of Episode 14: ‘There’s Worse Than Just Fluoride In Our Water’ from 11/01/17]

https://youtu.be/bMbZR5Gi9BM

INTRO

 Welcome, I’m the Conspiracy Man. In this series we’ll be blowing the lid off many of the world’s biggest conspiracies that the man doesn’t want you to know about.

 Our governments are mass medicating us by adding fluoride to our water supply to ‘protect’ our teeth. This is unethical and immoral … and we are powerless to stop it.

FORCIBLY FLUORIDATED

 We already know how dangerous fluoridated water is to our health and wellbeing. Fluoride is a dangerous substance. It can dissolve glass, so imagine what fluoride is doing to your insides, let alone your teeth. No wonder dentists approve of fluoridation.

 Want more evidence, here is fluorine on the periodic table. You know what else is on this ‘periodic table’? Arsenic, plutonium, kryptonite.

THE OTHER DANGER

 But forget the fluoride, there’s another danger. Chlorine is also in our water. Our governments chlorinate our water supply, supposedly to prevent waterborne diseases. Because water isn’t clean? They do this by pumping chlorine gas through the water. When passed through water the chlorine atoms create hydrochloric acid. If anyone will remember back to high school chemistry this shit is majorly corrosive.

 Chlorine gas was used as a chemical weapon in World War 1 and even nowadays in the Syrian conflict. Looks like it can be used to kill more than just bacteria. Surely this must be killing all our good gut bacteria. Pass the Yakult.

THE OTHER OTHER DANGER

 There are generally three methods of water fluoridation. In America about two-thirds of fluoridated water is fluoridated using fluorosilicate acid. I’m not sure how making water more acidic would prevent tooth decay – if anything acid should dissolve teeth more readily. No wonder dentists approve of fluoridation.

 Even more worryingly, the other substances used for water fluoridation are sodium fluoride and sodium fluorosilicate. When you dissolve these into water, not only are you adding fluoride to our drinking supply, you are adding sodium to the water. Sodium.

 Look what happens when a small amount of sodium is added to water. This is a problem since the human body is 70% water. Sodium can lead to very serious long-term health problems for humans. It increases blood pressure and can lead to heart attacks, stroke and heart failure. According to the UN World Health Organisation, an estimated 2 and a half million people die every year due to consuming sodium.

 There are other ways in which fluoride is added to our diet – in some countries, often in Latin America, they fluoridate some horrible chemical called sodium chloride and force this into the diet of the people. Again with this sodium, but also chlorine.

 To further elucidate the dangers of tap water let’s conduct a scientific experiment. I have here some powdered sugar. And in these glasses, I have some nice safe organic bottled water and some poisonous sodium, fluoride and chlorine laced water straight from the faucet. When I add some sugar to the safe water, nothing happens. But when I add some to the poisoned water. Terrifying.

 With all these contaminants in our water no wonder waterboarding is such an effective form of torture. And to think doctors tell us to drink 8 glasses a day of this stuff.

THE SODIUM UNION

 Why are the authorities putting poison and actual chemical weapons into our water supply? Back in the 40’s and 50’s people were worried that water fluoridation was a Communist plot to weaken us mentally and physically. But sodium is an even better way to affect our minds.

 In the short-term sodium causes dehydration and taken in enough quantity can cause hypernatremia, resulting in confusion, spasms, seizures, coma, even death.

 Over-consumption of sodium-laced water can drive a person crazy. It’s the reason you can’t drink seawater. Seawater is incredibly high in sodium, as well as chlorine and fluorine, and there are many cases of people stranded at sea running out of fresh water, drinking seawater and going delirious. So, putting it in our water supply will cause us to become more and more brain-addled. Certainly, the idea that our society is getting dumber and more irrational seems to be backed up by evidence.

 With this spiked water, our society is being medicated into decay. Civilisation poisoned to collapse has been done before, when the Illuminati poisoned ancient Rome with lead water pipes, which contributed to the fall of the Roman Empire.

NEXT TIME

 Provided I am not taken out by the powers that be I shall return. So long as I’m not dissolved in a barrel of tap water. What conspiracy will I be hosing down? Well, let me just say – John Effing Kennedy. Scared – you should be?

Starring: Parsley

Written by: Sage

Edited by: Rosemary

Music by: Thyme

[Transcript of Episode 13: ‘Is Baseball Satanic?’ from 10/03/17]

https://youtu.be/JPCcvysV-fY

INTRO

 Welcome, I’m the Conspiracy Man. In this series we’ll be blowing the lid off many of the world’s biggest conspiracies that the man doesn’t want you to know about.

 We’ve all heard of how UPC codes secretly contain the number ‘666’. It’s a plot to get us use the mark of the beast to conduct commerce. It’s in Revelations, people!

 But Satan is also using other means. The best way to pull people off the righteous path and unto a road to damnation is by using something that seems innocent and wholesome. And what is more wholesome and innocent to the American people than baseball.

SATANIC SYMBOLISM

 The evidence is everywhere but people just refuse to notice.

 Rock music and heavy metal are decried as promoting devil worship with the use of the sign of the horns, but in baseball it’s used all the time, supposedly by fielders to signal that there are 2 outs, but what idiot would ever not know there are 2 outs?

 Why does baseball use percentages for standings and stats but have them written as 3-point decimals? Well, if you have 3-digits you can have the mark of the beast – 666.

 Baseball is an indecent, sexually-charged sport – men swinging large, long pieces of wood. Baseball terms are used as euphemisms for sex (‘getting to second base’). Also as euphemisms for homosexuality – ‘switch-hitter’, ‘batting for the other team’, ‘softball’.

 As any good Catholic knows, left-handedness is evil – the word ‘sinister’ comes from the Latin for ‘left-handed’. But in baseball left-handedness is celebrated and even advantageous. Left-handed pitchers are over-represented in baseball. Left-handed batters have a natural advantage in baseball due to it being easier to hit right-handed pitchers and due to them being closer to first base since the bases are run anti-clockwise. Anti as in Antichrist!

 But wait, there’s more! Baseball practices human sacrifice. And even baseball purists themselves will admit that the designated hitter is an amoral concept forged by Lucifer himself.

 The shape of the infield is a diamond, that’s not satanic. But look at home plate – 5 sided. Shocking. And while the infield is a diamond shape, let’s look at the standard alignment of infielders, those 5 dots – pentagram. In recent years some God-fearing managers have been using ‘shifts’ under the guise of that working better defensively, but that’s just a cover.

 How about false prophets? There are many players claiming to be Jesus – Jesus Montero, Jesus Colome, David DeJesus and many more.

7 DEADLY SINS, 10 COMMANDMENTS, 9 INNINGS

What about the 7 deadly sins?

Greed: Owner avarice and player salaries. Check. Jeffry Loria. Double check.

Sloth: Players not running out ground balls. Check.

Wrath: Fighting. Check.

Pride: Players taking revenge for batters ‘showing them up’ by celebrating home runs. Check.

Lust: Grown men embracing each other. Check.

Envy: One team gets a new stadium then everyone else wants one. Check.

Gluttony: So many fatties! Check.

 Baseball also breaks most of the 10 commandments?

-Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain: One of the most famous commentator exclamations is a blasphemy.

-Remember the Sabbath, to keep it holy: Baseball has a seven day a week schedule and every team plays games every week on the Sabbath.

-Thou shalt not kill: The great 1920’s Yankee line-up was called ‘Murderer’s Row’, a reference not just to their batting ability but the multiple unsolved murders I assume they committed.

-Thou shalt not steal: Players steal all the time. They steal bases. They steal signs. They steal hearts.

-Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour: Catchers’ framing pitches to make them look like strikes. Sacrilegious.

EL DIABLOS DE BEISBOL

 The MLB has tried to cover their devil worship with team names – we have the Angels, the Padres and they removed the ‘Devil’ from the Tampa Bay Devil Rays.

 But let’s look what happens when we play the old baseball standard ‘Take me out to the ball game’ backwards. Shocking – hidden Satanic messages. So I encourage everyone to boycott MLB and stick to a more wholesome American sporting organisation, the NFL.

NEXT TIME

 Provided I am not taken out by the powers that be I shall return. As long as I’m not designated for assignment. What conspiracy will I doubling off first? Well, let me just say – it ain’t just fluoride that they is putting ins our waters. Scared – you should be?

Starring: Albert Pujols

Written by: Rusty Kuntz

Edited by: Goose Gossage

Music by: Gaylord Perry

[Transcript of Episode 12: ‘The REAL True Story of 9/11’ from 09/03/17]

https://youtu.be/RjDO3TyI7HU

INTRO

 Welcome, I’m the Conspiracy Man. In this series we’ll be blowing the lid off many of the world’s biggest conspiracies that the man doesn’t want you to know about. I’m recording here in my secret underground shelter where no-one can find me.

 Well, it had to happen eventually – I had to do a 9/11 episode. When I first started this series I knew I’d have to cover the September 11 attacks, so I may as well get it over with.

 Now, we all know the official story about 9/11 – the story they fed us and expect us to believe – that September 11 was a false flag operation by the CIA in order to justify the invasion of Iraq. Sure, all the brainless masses have accepted that story, but we know better.

 Of course, that’s shady, I mean, they didn’t even put one Iraqi as one of the terrorists, most were Saudis and the rest from other Arab states. It would have been great justification to invade Saudi Arabia though.

A NOTE ABOUT TERROR

 One thing people seem to forget about 9/11 is how hard it is to top with another terror attack. Even in this age of terror, nothing has come close to 9/11, either in terms of sheer casualties or psychological impact. It’s almost impossible to top that – aside from nuclear weapons or blowing up the Capitol building while Congress is sitting. That might seem a bit of a callous thing to say since a death is still a death but numbers and impact matter – the whole point of terrorism is to inflict … terror. If everything pales in comparison to 9/11 it just can’t have the impact you want.

THE SHOCKING COVER-UP

 If it wasn’t a secretive false-flag inside job – then what was it? There is a small fringe group who believe the attacks were committed by a group of Islamic fundamentalist terrorists. But the people toting that are probably just Islamophobic.

 No, the real story is even more shocking – I’ve secretly obtained footage that proves the real culprits we’re not fanatics or the government – it was ALIENS! Yes aliens.

 What you are looking at now is footage I have obtained captured by some surprisingly high-quality cameras of 2 of these ‘meta-humans’ fighting and causing untold destruction to skyscrapers [NOTE: for footage refer to YouTube link at top of article]. This certainly explains how the second tower fell since how could a plane flying into it cause that to happen? Oh, the mundanity!

 And it has happened again since. Here is more footage of various ‘meta-humans’ having another fight destroying buildings – although apparently it’s completely deserted.

 Let’s not forget the people who suffered for this.

NEXT TIME

 Provided I am not a victim of the decadent West I shall return ...  in the future. What conspiracy will I be blowing hundreds of millions of dollars on? Well, let me just say – MLB – Major League Beelzebub. Scared – you should be?

Starring: Clark Kent

Written by: David S. Goyer

Directed by: Zack Snyder

Universe Creator: DC Comics

[Transcript of Episode 11: ‘The Art of PEDs’ from 09/10/17]

https://youtu.be/VdxJlVAd0PM

 INTRO

 Welcome, I’m the Conspiracy Man. In this series we’ll be blowing the lid off many of the world’s biggest conspiracies that the man doesn’t want you to know about.

 Ever since the dawn of sport, athletes have been putting stuff inside themselves in order to enhance performance.

A STEROID

 Of course, not all PED use is cheating, many of these drugs have medical uses for people who have health problems. This means athletes can apply for medical exemptions to use these drugs.

 Tennis players such as Serena Williams and Maria Sharapova has these medical exemptions and are only a fraction of the many sportspeople who have so many health problems. It certainly puts paid to the idea that sportspeople are healthy – they seem to have more medical problems than the general populace. Obviously working out and exercising combined with genetics that make you strong and fit must result in being more likely to be unhealthy, which is counterintuitive to the highest degree, but the only other explanation is that some of these exemptions are bogus and just an excuse to be able to take PEDs.

 In baseball reports had up to 10% of players taking Adderall, which is an amphetamine, to help control concentration disorders such as ADD and ADHD. Of course, Adderall and such drugs aren’t always prescribed for people with these conditions, so the proportion of players in Major League Baseball who have this condition must be incredibly high and is very odd considering the proportion of the general US populace who have these disorders closer to 2 to 5%.

SPORT IS ART

 But it’s not just sport where you can be a drug cheat – I’m talking about art. Specifically drugs that garner a mental advantage. Mind-altering substances. These drugs can also have impact in sports – drug use in chess or the Chinese board game Go to improve performance is a scandal waiting to happen. Although it’s probably the only way we can defeat the computers.

 In the old days people used cannabis, opium, magic mushrooms, and even alcohol to do this. In modern times, further substances have been invented that also have this ability, such as ecstasy, amphetamines, and LSD.

COME ON, EVERYONE ELSE IS DOING IT

 There are many examples of artists who have done incredible things while on these mind-altering substances. Vincent van Gogh drank absinthe, Charles Dickens used opium, visionary science fiction writer Philip K. Dick had many struggles with drugs such as amphetamines, Stephen King wrote some of his greatest works while off his face on a cocktail of various substances and surrealist artists have often used drugs to help them reach a state of mind in which to create their weird art.

 It’s even more prevalent in music. The Beatles, I am the Walrus, Yellow Submarine, Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds *cough*. The Beach Boys – ‘Good Vibrations’ indeed. Actually, pretty much all music in the 60’s and 70’s was made under the influence (or using time travel plagiarism).

 What’s wrong with these so-called creative people – surely you’re a bit of a hack if you have to get off your nut to do your best work. Though the performance-enhancing aspect is often a secondary motivation – these creative types tend to like getting high.

 I will also admit that just because they took these substances doesn’t mean these helped them create their work. Some of this is coincidence but a lot isn’t. The altered states of mind these drugs give can unleash a torrent of manic creativity or lucid state of mind that the artist might have struggled to achieve otherwise.

 There is real science backing this up. Experiments with LSD and its effect on creativity and mental performance we’re done back in the 60’s, before it was made illegal in the US. In current times, there is a renewed push to use these drugs in the form of microdosing – taking small doses of psychedelic drugs – to boost creativity and productivity.

 A BLIND EYE

 Some might argue that this isn’t a problem – if people want to take drugs well that’s up to them. But just like PEDs for sport this is completely unfair – people are taking often illegal substances and gaining an advantage over their competitors. And as with other PEDs, these drugs come with many short and long-term health risks, not just physical but psychological too.

 There’s also the message this sends to kids that cheating is the way to go. This is more a problem in sports, as little kids, especially girls, don’t want to grow up to be a Lindsay Lohan or a Miley Cyrus, they want to be like a Serena or … um a Serena.

 There’s a ridiculous double-standard here. Barry Bonds will never get into the Baseball Hall of Fame but look at the Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall of Fame – full of artists who were on mind-bending drugs and who possibly in those states, and partly due to those states, composed their magnum opuses.

 What are the authorities doing about this? Sure, drugs like LSD and weed are illegal. But steroids are illegal aside from for medical use and that hasn’t stopped the use of them being a major problem in sports. The same rules that apply to athletes should apply to artists – they are after all called ‘performance’-enhancing drugs. I’ve written about this specific issue to former World Anti-Doping Agency chief Dick Pound and he replied that he was looking hard to thrust his head into this.

 I won’t be satisfied until random drug testing of artists – I want to see Kanye West urinating into a specimen cup. I want to see Meryl Streep walking the Oscars red carpet and suddenly someone come up and swab a Q-tip in her mouth.

NEXT TIME

 Provided I am not suspended by WADA I shall return. What deep conspiracy will I be hallucinating about while on an acid trip? Well, let me just say – 11/9, sorry wrong date format – 9/11. Scared – you should be?

Starring: Ben Johnson

Written by: Barry Bonds

Edited by: Lance Armstrong

Music by: Marion Jones

[Transcript of Episode 10: ‘Gluten Free-dom: The Conspiracy Behind the Gluten-Free Fad’ from 07/19/17]

https://youtu.be/3Uxenwd8j18

INTRO

 Welcome, I’m the Conspiracy Man. In this series we’ll be blowing the lid off many of the world’s biggest conspiracies that the man doesn’t want you to know about.

 Gluten-free diets are increasing in popularity in the West, with surveys saying up to a third of Americans are avoiding gluten or cutting down on how much they eat.  There’s no shortage of celebrities and sportspeople preaching the health benefits of gluten-freedom. It supposedly helps with weight loss, gastrointestinal health, wellbeing and energy levels. But there is no clear evidence avoiding gluten is beneficial, aside from helping a select few who are allergic to it.

WHAT IN TARNATION IS GLUTEN?

 Gluten itself is a protein found in wheat but not in other grains like rice and corn.

Coeliac disease is an autoimmune disorder caused by a reaction to gluten. Coeliacs can’t have gluten because it will make them sick and can cause long-term health problems. About 1-2% of the populace are Coeliacs. Sorry, I mean ‘people with Coeliac disease’, I don’t want to be non-PC. You can’t say blind people, you have to say ‘people with vision impairment’. What is with these people, did they read George Orwell’s 1984 and instead of being horrified by it, they took inspiration from it to control people’s thoughts via language.

 Of course, that’s if we assume Coeliac disease is even real. It probably is but can we be sure? It might be a made-up disease like AIDS.

 There are also people with non-celiac gluten sensitivity, which might affect up to around 10% of people. This gluten intolerance is controversial as there’s debate whether it’s real or not even caused by gluten but by other things like FODMAPs, which are present in many gluten-containing foods.

 There is conjecture about whether gluten intolerance is actually a real thing or if it might be more like ‘Chinese food syndrome’ which is blamed on MSG, but MSG doesn’t hurt people aside from a very small percentage – it’s the rubbish Chinese takeout that’s the real problem.

GLUTEN-FREE-DOM

 Gluten-free foods have a health halo – people perceive foods are healthier if they are labelled gluten-free. Many people go on gluten-free diets in order to lose weight even though gluten-free alternatives tend to often be higher in calories and fat than their gluten-laden originals. Ironically , people with Coeliac disease tend to gain weight when on gluten-free diets because of better calorie absorption and increased appetite from not feeling sick.

 It’s so attractive to consumers that companies love to put ‘gluten-free’ on their products even on obvious products like rice.

 Gluten-free products and gluten alternatives tend to be more expensive than their gluten-filled counterparts. This, combined with their growing popularity, has made them lucrative with gluten-free products being a multi-billion-dollar industry.

Me, I ain’t scared of gluten – I eat gluten for breakfast … literally

GLUTEUS MAXIMUS

 This gluten-free obsession has spread well beyond people who actually have problems when consuming gluten. This whole movement is not a random fad that grew organically – it’s a fiendish scheme masterminded by various Coeliac Associations. If they can’t have gluten, then no-one can. The idea is to get ‘normals’ to consume gluten-free foods which means supermarkets and restaurants will offer a lot more gluten-free options that Coeliacs can take advantage of.

 This has happened before. In the 80’s and 90’s the soy milk fad was created by those with lactose intolerance. Before this time most dairy products contained lactose-containing cows’ milk. But then soy milk was cast as being super healthy and cow’s milk unhealthy and now supermarket shelves are packed with not just soy milk but almond, rice, oats, basically anything you can make milk out of. And cafes stock all these milks so hipsters can get their soy mochaccinos, the upside being the better availability of lactose-free dairy products for the lactose intolerant.

 I suppose, is this really even a bad thing? People with coeliac disease and gluten intolerance benefit greatly from not just all the gluten-free alternatives but from many products that use wheat based products in them now using gluten alternatives, allowing them much greater freedom in their food choices. And the only real victims are the idiotic fad dieters and foodies needlessly consuming gluten free products.

 Which food allergy group will use this tactic next? Maybe those allergic to peanuts will try it, spreading rumors among the trendies and snake oil salesmen that peanuts are unhealthy and uncool. You may scoff but next time they might come for you and your family …’s favourite food.

OUTRO (0:40)

 Provided I am not taken out by the powers that be, I shall return ...  if I don’t die from (anaphylactic shock / an allergic reaction to Benzedrine). What conspiracy will I be digesting? Well, let me just say – ‘performance’ enhancing drugs. Scared – you should be?

Starring: Corn

Written by: Rice

Edited by: Quinoa

Music by: Oats

[Transcript of Episode 9: ‘The Truth Behind The Apocalypse’ from 06/20/17]

https://youtu.be/ENbGWkRbx-Q

INTRO

 Welcome, I’m the Conspiracy Man. In this series we’ll be blowing the lid off many of the world’s biggest conspiracies that the man doesn’t want you to know about.

 ‘The End of the World as We Know It’ has been predicted so many different times throughout world history and is a concept present in many religious texts and other forms of fiction.

SO MANY APOCALYPSESSES

 One of the more famous apocalypses-that-never-were was the Mayan 2012 apocalypse. This was when the Mayan long count calendar would end, and thus the world would end too. Surprisingly, 2012 came and went without a cataclysmic pole shift, or asteroid, or ancient Mayan gods cracking the Earth open. The problem with this prediction is the Mayans themselves – these guys from millennia ago knew the world would end? Their ability to predict disaster would seem to be lacking since they couldn’t even predict their own – the Mayan civilisation itself fell into decline around the 10^th century AD.

 Christians predicting the Rapture and subsequent end of the world is a common occurrence. Californian engineer Harold Camping predicted the world would end in 2011, by applying math to the Bible. Spoiler alert – in 2011 the Rapture didn’t happen, and Camping said he’d been wrong to try and predict it in the first place.

 It’s not always religious beliefs that result in prophecies of doom. Leading into the end of the 2^nd millennium, along with the expected predictions of Jesus coming back since it was an anniversary year, we had a technological terror to deal with. The Y2K bug was going to cause all sorts of disaster but it didn’t, either because it was completely it was never a big issue, or, if you buy the party line – because of all the money spent in Y2K compliance.

 There are countless predictions of astronomy-linked doomsday. Asteroids, comets, solar flares, pole shifts, supernovae, aliens and even whole planets like Nibiru, which was supposed to pass near Earth and destroy us. I have my own theories on Nibiru but that is something for another time.

 Sometimes these things end bad, or good, since the world doesn’t end. But badly for the believers, such as with the UFO cult, Heaven’s Gate, 39 members of which committed suicide so they could board a spaceship following the arrival of the Hale-Bopp comet in 1997. There were no aliens and no apocalypse.

SAVIOR OF THE WORLD

 No matter how many of these predictions fail to come true we keep getting new ones. And even where ones failed to come to pass people still believe they were correct.  Why have all these predictions come to naught? To explain, let’s look at one particular cataclysmic prediction – that of Dorothy Martin in the 1950s. God I love Wikipedia.

 Martin was a Chicago housewife who received messages from a mystical planet that told her the world would end in a flood on December 21, 1954, but her and her followers would be saved by the aliens. So her followers quit their jobs and sold their possessions, but the time of doom came and went. Everyone was disappointed but then the aliens sent Martin another message that said the group ‘had spread so much light that God had saved the world from destruction’.

 This episode is chronicled in the book by Fred Schlesinger When Prophecy Fails and he puts the fact that the prophecy didn’t come true, yet the group still believed and said it had been averted rather than been fake the whole time down to cognitive dissonance, a concept he came up with. Faced with their beliefs being disconfirmed, they just rationalised this away rather than stop believing.

 But he’s wrong – they weren’t making excuses for being wrong –they were actually right. The reason it didn’t come true was because they believed it – predicting and having people believe in the end of the world is what actually prevents it from happening. Kind of like a reverse of that book, ‘The Secret’.

SCIENCE FACTION

This idea may seem nonsensical but there are parallels to this idea in several fields of science. In physics, the act of measurement can affect what is being measured – for example, in thermodynamics a thermometer draws some of the heat of what it is measuring.

  In the Copenhagen interpretation of quantum mechanics, psychical systems do not have definite properties until measured – until then they exist in all possible states. This is the observer effect, where all possibilities are possible until it is observed and thus only one can be.

 A famous example of this is Schrödinger’s Cat, from famous physicist and cat-murderer Edwin Schrödinger. In this experiment, a cat is put in a sealed box with a trap that may or may not go off and kill the cat. Until one opens the box, the cat is simultaneously both alive AND dead. But when one opens the box and looks inside the cat is either alive OR dead – thus observing it determines the state of the cat. I would assume that you could tell if the cat was alive when in the box since you could hear it screaming and clawing to get out, but I guess Schrödinger had murdered so many cats he just tuned that out and could no longer hear it. Maybe he’s a dog person.

 The idea that the act of observation can affect something is a real thing. You can’t argue with science.

 Certainly, for the Biblical ones it makes even more sense since God would likely be pissed off if someone predicted the Rapture and would stop it happening just to fuck with that person for having the chutzpah to try and predict the divine will of God, like with the Camping 2011 prediction.

 So, when some nut comes up to you predicting the end of the world give them a hug and believe them – it’s the only way to save the world. I myself shall be constantly predicting the world will end – it’s the only way to ensure the world won’t end. No need to thank me, I’m just doing my duty to mankind.

OUTRO

 Provided I am not taken out by the powers that be, I shall return ...  if the world doesn’t end. What conspiracy will I be prognosticating? Well, let me just say – the deadly sin of gluten-y. Scared – you should be?

Starring: Death

Written by: Famine

Edited by: War

Music by: Pestilence

[Transcript of Episode 8: ‘James Bond: Hero or Traitor?’ from 06/06/17]

https://youtu.be/KrgsPg6dr4Q

INTRO

 Welcome, I’m the Conspiracy Man. In this series we’ll be blowing the lid off many of the world’s biggest conspiracies that the man doesn’t want you to know about.

 With the recent passing of Roger Moore, now is a good time to look at his most famous role. Based on the Ian Fleming series of books James Bond films have been part of the cultural zeitgeist for over 5 decades and are renowned for their quality as pieces of cinematic art, kind of. But the films have a secret sinister agenda.

 MY NAME IS BOND, JIMMY BOND

 The 24^th and most recent film was 2015’s Spectre, in which the evil criminal mastermind turns out to be the superspy’s long-lost brother – which was exactly the same as in the third Austen Powers movie. But Spectre didn’t rip off Austen Powers even though it came out after – it’s another case of time travel plagiarism.

 Similar to Doctor Who, several actors have played James Bond. Daniel Craig has played 007 in four movies but is reticent to continue in the role with reports that the studio is willing to offer massive money for him to continue in the role – which is odd since James Bond is the most replaceable role in the movie industry. He’s already been replaced 5 times so no-one’s going to care. So maybe spend some of that 50 mil on making a movie that doesn’t suck and rip off comedy spoofs.

 There has been much speculation on who will replace Craig as the next Bond. Recent rumors have talked about popular actors such as Tom Hiddleston and Tom Hardy as favourites to don the tuxedo. There’s also been talk about the possibility of having a minority actor portray the role such as Idris Elba, although he is too ‘street’ to play Bond. Maybe if the social justice warriors get their way we can have a woman play Bond.

VILE VILLAINOUS VILLAINS

 In these movies, there’s something odd about the villains. You would think a superspy would be battling those rotten Communists and other evil regimes as well as foiling plots by megalomaniacal supervillains trying to take over the world. But this really isn’t the case. He certainly stops those supervillains, but he rarely ever takes on the Commies, at least as the main bad guys. The main villains in the Bond series are actually … businessmen?

 Yes -  in many, many Bond movies the main bad guy is not an evil dictator or Commie but an evil businessman, either with a plot to get even richer or to take over-slash-destroy the world.

 The biggest villain in the series, SPECTRE, is a criminal business syndicate. SPECTRE and their subsidiaries have been the baddies in most of the Sean Connery and Craig movies. In many of the Fleming stories the bad guys were not SPECTRE but SMERSH, a Soviet espionage group. That makes this seem even more suspicious but at least clears Mr Fleming.

 Here’s some more examples –

-          In Goldfinger – the baddie is Auric Goldfinger, a successful businessman who is actually a gold smuggler.

-          In the Roger Moore 1977 entry, The Spy Who Loved Me, the bad guy is a successful businessman who wants to nuke the world and start a new world under the sea.

-          The next film, Moonraker, similarly has a billionaire want to destroy the world while he waits it out in space.

-          In For Your Eyes Only a Greek shipping magnate named Aristotle is the main bad guy, certainly not at all referencing a real life Greek shipping magnate named Aristotle.

-          Christopher Walken’s villain in A View to A Kill is a leading microchip manufacturer.

-          In the first Timothy Dalton Bond, 1987’s The Living Daylights, you have an evil American arms dealer.

-          In the Pierce Brosnan Bond film, Tomorrow Never Dies, the villain is a media mogul trying to spark war between China and Britain, who is based off real life supervillain Rupert Murdoch.

 Admittedly sometimes there are Soviet villains, but these tend to be rogue generals, who often are doing it for money, having been seduced by decadent capitalism. In fact, Communists are sometimes allied with 007, such as when he teams up with sexy Russian agent lady in The Spy Who Loved Me, and a sexy Commie Chinese agent in Tomorrow Never Dies. In other movies even they are shown as rivals they are generally shown in a reasonable light and sometimes even are friendly and do nice things.

A SECRET PLOT

 This is propaganda plain and simple – this anti-capitalist narrative shows us how James Bond movies are actually Communist propaganda! This film series is essentially a Trojan horse – normal leftist artsy propaganda is never going to be seen by anyone other than beret-wearing hipsters and would be resisted by most of the population. But this is big budget action for the general populace, so no-one would suspect this as propaganda that subtly plants the idea that capitalism is evil. In addition to this, the Bond movies glorify spying – something any good Communist regime will be doing a lot of, mostly on their own citizens.

 But is it any surprise though? The leftist liberal agenda have already taken over academia in order to control our thoughts and bend our views to their will through controlling the narrative to subtly push their propaganda on us. And it’s not just on the campuses. Hollywood and the movie industry have always been full of PC pinko Commies going back even to the 1940’s as shown by Senator Joe McCarthy, who heroically tried to expose this, which resulted in the blacklisting of prominent Tinseltown figures such as screenwriter Dalton Trumbo – an actual Communist Party member. Plus we all know why so many in Hollywood we’re anti-the-Vietnam War, wink-wink.

 In the spirit of true patriot Joe McCarthy, I’m going to name names – the Broccoli family are Communists. United Artists, MGM, Sony Pictures –all Communists.

OUTRO

 Provided I am not sent to a re-education facility I shall return ...  in the next thrilling instalment. What conspiracy will I be shaking but not stirring? Well, let me just say – Apocalypse, no, not like the X-Men movie. Armageddon – no, definitely not that movie. The End Of The World. Scared – you should be?

Starring: George Lazenby

Written by: Ian Fleming

Edited by: Albert Broccoli

Music by: John Barry

[Transcript of Episode 7: ‘Show Me To The Brexit’ from 05/23/17]

https://youtu.be/pVt1xMybFw4

INTRO

 Welcome, I’m the Conspiracy Man. In this series we’ll be blowing the lid off many of the world’s biggest conspiracies that the man doesn’t want you to know about. I’m recording here in my secret underground shelter where no-one can find me.

REFERENDA

 With a general election coming up in the United Kingdom let’s look at conspiracies floating around the European Union and Britain. Last year we had the Brexit vote – where a referendum was held in Britain on whether to leave the European Union and they voted to leave. The vote also lead to the resignation of UK Prime Minister David Cameron.

 Back in 2014 we had another referendum on whether Scotland might want independence from the UK. The Scottish voted to remain in the United Kingdom. These votes had many similarities since both votes were on remaining or leaving, though splitting from a multiparty body like the EU is very different to leaving an actual country.

 In both campaigns the remain groups said that voting to leave the EU/UK would result in economic disaster and companies would leave in droves. Which is ironic since many of the people who supported Brexit were against Scottish independence and vice versa, which meant they were making opposite arguments on these 2 votes.

 THE UNITED STATES OF EUROPE

 Normally it’s hard to prove these one-world government conspiracies as no-one involved will admit it but with the European Union they are happy to admit the end goal is to create a pan-European nation. Various European leaders and EU heads have talked about closer and closer integration – in 2014 then Italian Prime Minister Matteo Renzi talked about moving towards a ‘United States of Europe’. Which is funny since he also had to resign after losing a referendum.

 The European Union won the Nobel Prize in 2012 for preventing war and promoting democracy. One of the supposed benefits of the EU is that bringing different European nations together under one banner stops conflicts. Except that the idea of joining states with people of differing cultures and languages didn’t work out so well for Yugoslavia. And also the fact that many of the wars in the post-WW2 era have been civil wars.

 We’ve had Brexit, with the possibility of Grexit, Frexit and Nexit. In fact, the only reason Italy hasn’t left the EU already is because they can’t get a good portmanteau of Italy and Exit – Itexit? Just doesn’t work. Eventually we could get Swexit, Bexit, Luxit, Spexit and my favorite, Fixit. Eventually the EU will just be Germany.

 Regarding the Brexit vote – England voted to remain, but Scotland voted to stay in the EU. Which meant many Scots wanted their independence and then wanted to sign up to a multi-state organisation where they would lose some of their rights to make their own policy and economic decisions. But is it any wonder Britain voted to leave the EU – they are a proud nation with a glorious empire (that they no longer have) and they value their independence to follow whatever their elected leader (the American president) wants.

INDEPENDENCE DAY

 The Brexit vote result has led to a renewed push for another Scottish independence referendum because they think because the Scots wanting to stay in the EU might be enough to push them over the line. But forget Scotland leaving the UK – someone else is looking to leave – is it Northern Ireland? No. Wales? No. Jersey or Guernsey? No. The Isle of Man? No. Cornwall? No. England is planning to get independence. You heard it here first – if Theresa May wins re-election expect an announcement in the next few years of a referendum.

 Although it might seem weird for England to leave the United Kingdom the English have always had an independent streak as shown by their Brexit vote and this way they can throw off the yoke of the oppressive Welsh, Scots and Irish. It would also be a great f-you to the Scottish for threatening to leave. And finally, the English can get rid of the Queen of Scotland Elizabeth Windsor, aka Elizabeth Saxe-Coburg Gotha, and finally get one of their own as Head of State.

 English independence would have little impact on sport since in many sports such as soccer they already compete as individual teams. It’s really only the Olympics and a few other sports such as tennis where they compete together as the United Kingdom. And in tennis that would mean that Scot Andy Murray would not be representing the English anymore which would give the English the benefit of no longer having to cheer him on at Wimbledon.

 With Brexit happening some in England are pushing to bring back the imperial system for measurement. Many are pushing this because the old measurement system is British and not continental – the metric system originating in France. Another reason is because the metric system is godless and Communist.

OUTRO

 Provided I am not taken out by the powers that be I shall return ...  if I can be bothered. What shocking conspiracy will I be unbuttoning? Well, let me just say – My name is Bond, Comrade Bond. Scared – you should be?

Starring: John Smith

Written by: Johan Schmidt

Edited by: Jonathon Smythe

Music by: Jens Smit