[Transcript of Episode 6: ‘It’s Time for Music Plagiarism’ from 05/03/17]

https://youtu.be/oFsfagE1O8g

INTRO

Welcome, I’m the Conspiracy Man. In this series we’ll be blowing the lid off many of the world’s biggest conspiracies that the man doesn’t want you to know about. I’m recording here in my secret underground shelter where no-one can find me.

 The music industry is famous for conspiracies, especially musicians who are dead but actually aren’t (e.g. Elvis, Tupac) and musicians who aren’t dead but actually are (e.g. Paul McCartney). But this episode we’ll be looking at the music itself, more specifically music plagiarism.

HISTORY OF PLAGIARISM

 Plagiarism has been a problem in many different fields throughout history. Gottfried Leibnitz and Isaac Newton accused each other of copying their work on modern calculus. The Clint Eastwood spaghetti western A Fistful of Dollars, was sued for plagiarising Yojimbo, an Akira Kurosawa-directed Japanese samurai film. And Barrack Obama was accused by Republicans of plagiarising his healthcare policy from the Soviet Union.

 Music has had many famous plagiarism scandals throughout the years. Beatle, George Harrison, who actually is dead, was sued for his song ‘My Sweet Lord’ plagiarising the 60’s hit ‘He’s So Fine’. Huey Lewis sued Ray Parker Jr for the Ghostbusters song being too much like his song ‘I want a new drug’. In 2010 The Men at Work 80’s hit ‘Down Under’ was sued for appropriating the flute part from a 1930’s Aussie folk song ‘Kookaburra’.  And in recent years we had the writers of the song ‘Blurred Lines’ being accused of plagiarism and the people involved with the Sam Smith Grammy-winning song ‘Stay With Me’ coming to an out-of-court settlement to give a share of both royalties and songwriting credit to the writers of the Tom Petty song ‘I won’t back down’.

HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN?

 Even if something is copying something else it might not always be intentional – sometimes the person might have heard the song years before and not remembered it, but the tune was stuck in their head – cryptonmesia, as what happened in the George Harrison case.

 There’s one thing that’s always bugged me about some of the more obvious incidents of music plagiarism. It’s one thing when the song being plagiarised is some obscure or old or foreign song, but it’s hard to comprehend when it’s a more well-known song.

 Sometimes it’s understandable for the songwriters themselves not to have known this song – especially since they are younger and the song is maybe from before their time, like in the ‘Stay With Me’ case where those 3 writers were toddlers when the Tom Petty song was released. But no-one else realised it sounded like another song? People who work in music such as producers, agents, DJs and record executives you would think would have a great interest in music and would have heard a lot of music in their lifetime and have an ability to recognise familiar tunes and melodies.

TWO POSSIBILITES

 After extensive research regarding this dilemma I could only come up with 2 solutions for these acts of plagiarism happening in the music industry. One is that the act of plagiarism is done (either deliberately or accidentally), and the record company realises this and just hopes no-one figures it out.

 The other, and much more logical solution, is time travel. Yes, time travel. You go to the future and listen to some new songs and then go back to your own time and then pretend you wrote those songs yourself. And then when the song is actually written in the future you can sue them for plagiarism. It’s essentially reverse plagiarism – the one who’s accusing plagiarism is actually the plagiarist. This doesn’t even just apply to individual songs and riffs – even whole styles of music. Some music really is before it’s time!

 But what type of time travel is it? It might be the stereotypical time travel where you yourself travel to the future in a contraption. It could be being able to see into the future with a crystal ball like a clairvoyant. It could possibly be like in the Philip K. Dick story, Paycheck, where they have the ability to reach into the future and grab stuff with a robot arm. It was made into a movie, coincidentally called Paycheck, that had Ben Affleck in it and sucked.

CODED MESSAGES

 Now as a conspiracy buff I’m pretty at coded messages. Just show me a one-dollar bill and we’ll be here for hours. The music industry can’t help but leave little clues and in-jokes about how the whole thing is built on. You only have to look at the thousands of songs and albums that reference time, songs like Cher’s If I Could Turn Back Time, and ELO’s 1981 release, Time, a concept album about a man who time travels into the future. Oh yes and who fronted ELO - Jeff Lynne, who also later co-wrote I Won’t Back Down with Tom Petty. All the pieces are starting to fit together now, aren’t they? Mind blown!

 Although there aren’t that many cases of music plagiarism, this ‘time stealing’ of music could be far more prevalent than this otherwise suggests. A lot of musicians have come up with tunes and riffs and then realised that it’s just from a song that already exists and given up on the song – but that’s because they are actually inventing it themselves at that time.

 It’s like in that movie, Terminator: Genisys, where John Connor when going back sees a glimpse of himself as a kid talking about Skynet. It was a terrible film, but they sure done their research – they read both of those books by that wheelchair guy.

 I’ve had this experience myself – in a dream I came up with the song, In The Navy, but when I woke up I later realised the song had been recorded decades earlier – damn you Village People for stealing my song! I have contacted my lawyer and legal action is pending.

NEXT TIME

 Provided my parents aren’t murdered before I’m born I shall return ...  in the future! What shocking conspiracy will I be busting because it makes me feel good? Well, let me just say – would you like English sausage for Brexit? Scared – you should be?

Starring: John

Written by: Paul

Edited by: George

Music by: ‘And Ringo’

[Transcript of Episode 5: ‘Homeo-phobia’ from 03/13/17]

https://youtu.be/iiE2WfCwZbE

INTRO

 Welcome, I’m the Conspiracy Man. In this series we’ll be blowing the lid off many of the world’s biggest conspiracies that the man doesn’t want you to know about. I’m recording here in my secret underground shelter where no-one can find me.

 This week we’ll be looking at murder. Developments in investigative techniques and technology such as DNA testing, CCTV cameras and atomic spectroscopy have made crime a lot harder to get away with. This also has an impact on espionage. In the old days of the Cold War you could just assassinate defectors and scientists without getting caught and causing an international incident. But nowadays it’s so much harder. Killing people physically via shootings and stabbings without getting arrested is hard.

 Even faking accidents or poisoning people is so much harder as well these days. It’s not like the good old days where you give people shoes with a piece of copper wire dipped in a carcinogenic substance in them to give someone toe cancer, which is what the CIA did to Bob Marley. In 2006 the Russians got in trouble when they were accused of poisoning KGB defector Alexander Litvinenko with the radioactive isotope Polonium-210. And just recently North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un’s half-brother was killed at a Malaysian airport after being sprayed with a banned chemical nerve agent. This is fine if you want people to know you did it in order to send a message, but not so good if you want to avoid getting the blame for it.

HOMEO-SAPIEN

 Homeopathy may be the answer. Homeopathy is an alternative medicine that works by the idea that ‘like cures like’, similar to vaccination – but unlike vaccination this stuff actually works and doesn’t give you autism. So, for example if you have a runny nose or watery eyes you would take a homeopathic remedy made from onion, since onion causes those symptoms. Now that obviously would tend to be a problem – giving a full, undiluted dose of this to someone would exacerbate their symptoms rather than relieve them. So, the medicine is diluted – in fact the more it’s diluted the stronger the medicine gets. One of the standard dilutions is 30C – which is 1 part active ingredient to 100^30 parts water – which is the equivalent of one molecule to all the atoms in the solar system. There’s basically none of the active ingredient in the medicine you take. But because it’s shaken in a special way it still acts as if it has that ingredient in it.

 Now armed with this knowledge lets’ think about this –take something like willow tree bark, which is where modern aspirin comes from. Aspirin thins the blood, so if you give it in a homeopathic dose it will do the opposite and help thicken or clot the blood. Which is fine for someone whose blood is too thin – but if given to someone whose blood is too thick or has underlying medical issues such as heart problems, it would kill them. Heck if you give an even stronger dose of 100C (i.e. even less aspirin) it would give anyone a heart attack.

 But it would just appear the victim died of natural causes. This is because no autopsy would ever find any poison in the system since the way homeopathic medicine works there’s probably none of the original ingredient in the dose to begin with. Even if they did find some molecules they wouldn’t suspect since that medicine in a non-homeopathic dose would cause the opposite of what caused the death. And it’s even better than normal poisons since they can be put in food with no change in taste.

SILENT ASSASSIN

 Let’s go back to that North Korean situation – instead of spraying an easily identifiable nerve agent on him – just spray him with homeopathic poison. He’ll die ‘naturally’ and the autopsy will pick up nothing – because there wouldn’t be anything in the system.

 This is terrifying, and it might already be happening. Just last month, the Russian ambassador to the United Nations, Vitaly Churkin, died of heart failure. A detailed autopsy result is still pending, but I bet you it won’t find anything.

 And it’s not just happening in the political sphere – if you look back over the last year we seemed to lose a lot of celebrities, including (but not limited to) David Bowie, Prince, Alan Rickman, George Michael, Fidel Castro, Mick Jagger, Gene Wilder, Debbie Reynolds, Princess Leia, Bill Pullman, Glenn Frey, and John Hurt.

 The number of these deaths seems far too high to be coincidental. It’s certainly suspicious –look at the problems with George Michael’s autopsy – they struggled to pinpoint a cause of death. Surely homeopathic assassins are to blame. Possibly some kind of intra-governmental conspiracy, or maybe businesses wanting to use these dead celebrities for advertisements, or maybe even a result of cheating in some kind of ‘death pool’ run by billionaires with too much money.

NEXT TIME

 Provided I am not homeopathically poisoned by the powers that be I shall return ...  in the future. Eventually. What deep conspiracy will I be unwrapping up like an old Egyptian person? Well, let me just say – let’s do the time warp … again? Scared – you should be?

Starring: Tinker

Written by: Tailor

Edited by: Soldier

Music by: Spy

[Transcript of Episode 4: ‘I Tai-wan You!’ from 12/16/16]

https://youtu.be/u4UXyKJWB5Q

INTRO

 Welcome, I’m the Conspiracy Man. In this series we’ll be blowing the lid off many of the world’s biggest conspiracies that the man doesn’t want you to know about. I’m recording here in my secret underground shelter where no-one can find me.

 There was a big news story recently after President Elect Donald J. Trump spoke on the phone with the President of Taiwan, Tsai Ing-Wen (after she called him of course). This was controversial because Taiwan is not internationally recognised as a fully-fledged nation-state and this risked inflaming relations with China, whilst many others, many in the liberal media, were also upset Trump spoke with the leader of a non-existent country. An imagi-nation, if you will, like Lilliput from Gulliver’s Travels or Wakanda and Latveria in Marvel Comics.

AN IMITATION NATION

 And I have proof Taiwan is not real – according to the United Nations there is no nation called Taiwan. So, Donald Trump had a conversation with the leader of a country that is just a figment of people’s imagination. Since Taiwan isn’t a real country maybe this was some kind of crank call to Trump that he fell for. According to real news reports on Facebook, the Taiwanese did ask Mr Trump whether his refrigeration was running. Sources were unable to confirm if said refrigerator was indeed running.

 These mythical Taiwanese are essentially the same as the Chinese – same culture, same language, same cuisine. It’s like pretending Scotland or Wales or Ireland is a real country. They aren’t. It even sounds made up – Thai-wan?

A WORLD OF OUR OWN

 But why have a made-up nation-state? The biggest advantage of a fake country is that it’s really easy to declare a fake war against. Kind of like that movie Wag the Dog, with Dustin Hoffman and Robert De Niro where to deflect a scandal they wage a fake war against Albania, which apparently is a real country. Similar to how Bill Clinton bombed Baghdad to deflect from the Lewinsky scandal.

 Also, the United States officially sells arms to the country of ‘Taiwan’. But this state doesn’t exist, which must mean these arms sales are a front. There is precedent for this – during the Reagan era, Colonel Oliver North used secret arms sales to Iran to fund the right-wing rebel Contras in Nicaragua. So basically, Taiwan is a front for the US to funnel arms to, I don’t know, the Ukrainians, or Islamic State, or maybe Zionist groups like the Judean People’s Front. Or maybe it’s just a way to make more profits for the military-industrial complex.

 A lot of the shit I own has ‘Made in Taiwan’ on it. Maybe it’s just a code for ‘China’ for people unwilling to buy products ‘Made in China’. Or a cover for countries renowned for poor quality manufacturing like Mexico, India, or Australia.

 They do compete in the Olympics, but as Chinese Taipei since the Communist Chinese would cry if they marched as Taiwan. This is just a scam so the Chinese can field more players in the table tennis and badminton and Greco-Roman wrestling. Anyway, heaps of unrecognised countries and non-nations compete in the Olympics such as Palestine, Guam, Puerto Rico and Kosovo so that means nothing. Sorry that last one was a made-up joke name.

NEXT TIME

 Provided I am not taken out by the powers that be I shall return ...  not as quick as I did this time though. What deep conspiracy will I be blowing people (slight pause) away with? Well, let me just say – untraceable, untestable poisonings. Scared – you should be?

Starring: Ben Dover

Written by: Iva Biggun

Edited by: Amanda Huggenkiss

Music by: Hugh Jass

[Transcript of Episode 3: ‘Con-Fusion’ from 12/11/16]

https://youtu.be/EvW0Jlo5JtU

INTRO

 Welcome, I’m the Conspiracy Man. In this series we’ll be blowing the lid off many of the world’s biggest conspiracies that the man doesn’t want you to know about. I’m recording here in my secret underground shelter where no-one can find me.

 This week we’ll be looking at a conspiracy to withhold a great new technology from the world in order to … well, I’ll get to that that time. Fusion power is the holy grail of electricity generation. It’s a way to produce near limitless power safely and potentially very cheaply. But like the actual holy grail, it’s forever out of grasp, yet tantalisingly reachable.

Sure, we’ve had nuclear power for years – but that’s using nuclear fission, not fusion. Fission is like just burning some wood in a fire – fusion is getting the fire and turning it back into wood.

THE NEXT ITER-ATION

 The big current hope for fusion is ITER, the International Thermonuclear Experimental Reactor, which for some reason is located in Nice, France. I’m not sure why. Must be easier science-ing there than in Manchester. It’s a joint project from the EU, China, India, America, Russia, Japan and the good Korea.

Manchester: A hard place to science in.

Nice: A nice place to conduct science.

 So why has fusion power failed to materialise? Of course, evil energy companies have had something to do with it. The sinister megacorporations that form more established power generation technologies such as the giant solar and wind industries have had a big hand in stifling fusion power, and I suppose fossil fuel companies have probably had something to do with it too.

 But there’s something more at play here – fusion power is so powerful that not even these groups could stop it. It’s the kind of thing that can only be stopped by people at the very top – the governments of the world! Or the 1-world government behind the governments of the world. Sure, they look like they support by giving some funding but that’s just a cover so they can look like they aren’t against it and also can keep an eye and control the project that way.

ABUSE OF POWER

 But why would everyone be so against fusion power – it seems so perfect. To answer this let us look at something else – oil, black gold, Texas tea. In recent years the price of oil has collapsed – according to Wikipedia, in September 2014 the price of US Texas crude oil was over $100 a barrel but by 2016 the price was all the way down in the 30’s, lower than even during the GFC. Part of this price fall is due to soft demand reflecting a weakly growing world economy. But the other reason for this shock price drop is on the supply side – world oil production has exploded. Metaphorically. Unlike BP’s oil production, which literally exploded. Greater production in North America, the lifting of Western sanctions on Iran allowing them to sell more oil, then a massive production increase by Saudi Arabia, looking to cripple the North American shale industry.

 This price fall has triggered stock market jitters and a fear of economic collapse. But why? Sure, if you’re one of the countries that relies greatly on oil export money for their economy like Venezuela or Saudi Arabia this would be a problem, but this would be a boom for other countries that use a lot a lot of petroleum but produce little. Certainly, for the overall global economy this should be great since cheaper fuel allows everything to be done cheaper. But for some reason it was a worry for the global economy and had people worried.

NEXT TIME ...

 So, while you might think that cheap unlimited fusion power would be a boon for the world economy and only affect the renewables and the fossil fuel industry, you’d be wrong. You’re stupid. Fusion power will provide the world with clean, cheap, limitless energy – and thus send the global economy into a depression.

 Provided I am not taken out by the powers that be I shall return ...  when I return. Eventually. What deep conspiracy will I be sniffing out like a dog sniffing out shit? Well, let me just say – no country for any men. Scared – you should be?

Starring: Please Sign Here

Written by: Print Name Here

Edited by: Insert Name Here

Music by: Initials

Update:

 If you’ll recall in a previous episode I exposed the real threat behind the US Presidential election and why the candidates were so undesirable – it’s a fucking lizard people conspiracy. Since Donald Trump won the vote there has been some talk on who the Democrats will pick for the 2020 election. I have seen an exclusive photo of the new candidate and his running mate.

They cover all demographics.

 [Transcript of Episode 2: ‘Krazy Killer Koalas’ from 09/30/16]

https://youtu.be/qFFMEDKHwwk

INTRO

 Welcome, I’m the Conspiracy Man. In this series we’ll be blowing the lid off many of the world’s biggest conspiracies that the man doesn’t want you to know about. I’m recording here in my secret underground shelter where no-one can find me.

 This week we’ll be looking at an evil plot to cripple the ecological security and biodiversity of many countries throughout the world. Feral invasive species have done a lot of damage to countries throughout the world. For example, carp in North America, gray squirrels displacing native red squirrels in Britain, cane toads in Australia, feral dogs and cats killing native animals around the globe, kudzu in the south, and spreading from the southern US border we see populations of killer bees and Mexicans taking over.

 Most of these invasive species were introduced either by accident, such as stowing away on ships or escaping farms and gardens, or, if done on purpose were because people were idiots. For example – the cane toad was introduced into Australia to control cane beetles. Problem is they didn’t have any impact on sugar cane beetles but thrived anyway and have spread at an alarming rate. And they’re ugly to boot.

 But what about invasive species introduced by a foreign power deliberately to weaken an enemy? It is like the old idea of catapulting infected corpses over the walls of besieged castles. These introduced species can destroy the local environment, decimate populations of native wildlife, and lower the productivity of agricultural land and the quality of water.

 And one country is plotting this exact scheme – who is it you say? China? No. Russia? No. North Korea? No. Guinea-Bissau? No. It’s Australia, Uncle Sams’ supposed staunch ally. Their plan is to spread koalas through America and other selected countries and let them go feral and cause environmental damage. Yes, koalas.

KOALAS

 There are reasons why koalas haven’t already taken root in other countries. For one their diet consists of eucalyptus tree leaves. That’s all they eat. The key to their survival is that no other animals really eat that. It’s similar to pandas and bamboo. Very similar in fact, since to digest these products they both get fed faeces by their mums to help them get the bacteria in their gut needed to digest leaves and bamboo respectively.

 Although eucalyptus trees have been imported to other places, especially California, they are still rather scarce around the globe. To get around this problem of lacking a food source in foreign countries, I’ve received information that Australian scientists are genetically engineering koalas to eat the leaves of other trees, with the possible added benefit of not needing to eat shit beforehand.

 So why koalas in the first place – they are slow, fat, weak, lazy, and they don’t breed quickly. But they have one quality that matters, or at least matters to humans – they’re damn cute. People fucking love koalas.

 People love cute animals – from dolphins and whales to tigers – the sexier the animal the more people want to protect them and go insane if anyone wants to harm them, even in situations where it’s for their own good.

 Because of the cuteness of koalas’ people won’t just not kill these feral animals they will actively protect them by maybe constructing habitats for them in their backyard trees and forming groups to lobby for their protection, which koalas need since they are so useless.

HORSES

 Although it seems crazy that governments would allow these verminous koalas to exist or even to protect them there is some precedent for this. Horses. Horses are loved by humans. They’ve been a part of human culture for millennia and pass the cuteness test. Although you’d probably describe them as sexy, rather than cute. Mustangs are the American descendants of horses let go feral by the Spaniards in the 1500’s. They are protected and managed by the Wild and Free-Roaming Horses and Burros Act 1971. They’re protected, even though they are a feral invasive species, not a native animal.

 One of the arguments for the protection of the mustang is that it is has cultural importance to America, symbolizing the frontier spirit and blah blah blah. Well, if that’s the case why don’t they also give protected status to feral pigs. They also played an important role in the development of the United States – when they were introduced into eastern North America they went feral and destroyed native Americans farmed crops which made it much easier for Europeans to displace the Indians and take their land.

 Horses actually were in the Americas but went extinct there several thousands of years ago – or, if you a literal creationist, before the Earth existed. So that makes it okay that they were ‘reintroduced’ – so what, are we calling feral mustangs native because we disagree with the process of evolution making animals extinct That’s Jurassic Park-level God complex. In fact, I’ve heard reports of falsified archaeological evidence showing koalas were present in other countries.

 Heck, even in Australia people love feral horses. They call them ‘brumbies’. They cause damage to the environment and denigrate pastures. But people lose their shit if the National Parks people try to cull them – because they are pretty and are a romantic part of Australian colonial history. As opposed to the less romantic part of colonial Australian history of shooting Aborigines.

NEXT TIME

 Once koalas get established and destroy the foliage of native trees you’ll see ecological collapse in host countries. And the Aussie economy is the beneficiary at the expense of those of the rest of the world.

 Provided I am not taken out by the powers that be I shall return ...  in the future. Eventually. What deep conspiracy will I be unravelling like a fake Moroccan rug? Well, let me just say – limited unlimited power. Scared – you should be?

Starring: John Doe

Written by: Jane Doe

Edited by: Juan Doe

Music by: John Cougar Doe

[Transcript of Episode 1: 'Conspiracy: Trump and Hilary Explained!' from 05/29/16]

https://youtu.be/sM8TTFvukfU

INTRO

 Welcome, I’m the Conspiracy Man. In this series we’ll be blowing the lid off many of the world’s biggest conspiracies that the man doesn’t want you to know about. I’m recording here in my secret underground shelter where no-one can find me.

 We’ve now more or less seen the Democratic and Republican candidates finalised. In this US Presidential election year, we’ve seen a slew of candidates who nobody likes.

SO MANY TO CHOOSE FROM

 It almost feels like a reality TV show formula – fill it with a crazy bunch of screwballs so it will be entertaining. Except half the screwballs are the boring kind who just mutter and take 20 minutes to say nothing.

 On the Democrat side we’ve ended up with a 2-horse race between Bernie Sanders, who, aside from a cute accent, is Joseph Stalin incarnate, and Hilary Clinton, who people don’t like, which is probably because she’s a woman, or maybe because a) she sucks, and b) people are kind of sick of political dynasties. Although with Hilary it does show that any woman can grow up to be President, provided their husband gets to be President first.

  And even worse Hilary is the favourite to win the whole thing. This is because the Republican party is trying to commit harakiri. Their tactic seems to be to pick candidates that non-Republicans don’t want to vote for.

 At the start of the race, Jeb Bush was the Republican favourite and choice of the party establishment. I’m not sure why anyone would think a Bush would be a good bet. His brother was the most unpopular President ever, possibly. At least with Hilary, Bill Clinton is remembered as a fairly good President, especially when he was able to keep it in his pants. It’s really no wonder Jeb didn’t make any impact and attracted so few votes in the early primaries he dropped out of the race so early on. I mean, could they have found a worse relative of a disliked former President, does Richard Nixon have any children?

 The last ‘mainstream’ Republican candidate to fall was Ed Kasich, a man who probably doesn’t exist. Or John Kasich sorry, whatever. I googled for pictures of him and nothing came up, maybe because I typed ‘ed kasich’, or maybe because you can’t have pictures of someone who doesn’t exist. Just more evidence of this conspiracy.

THE TRUMP CARD

 Then there’s the Donald Trump, the presumptive Republican nominee. A man who seems to be a sketch comedy hybrid of two former Italian leaders. He’s an orange celebrity businessman with some questionable hair like Silvio Berlusconi. And he’s also a far right-wing nut with cartoonish mannerisms like Benito Mussolini. He’s presented himself as an outsider candidate – someone who isn’t part of the political establishment. Which he isn’t, he’s actually part of the business elite establishment. But the man’s been an outsider all his life. He’s a New York, millionaire property developer with rich parents. If that’s not outsider material, then who is? Almost anyone else.

 He's the 1% of the 1% of the 1%. It’s funny how a couple of terms ago, when we had the GFC, if he had run then no-one would’ve voted for him. The 1% destroyed our economy, and now we’re supposed to trust them to fix it. Trust. He is trustworthy, apparently, because he isn’t politically correct and says what’s on his mind. That’s less being plain-speaking then being a loudmouth. He’s kind of like your racist, sexist uncle who always says inappropriate things. But the people who like him, like his straightforwardness and honesty, which is odd considering he’s a real estate developer. When they release those surveys about the least trusted profession, politicians feature near the top, which is why people don’t like establishment candidates. But ‘property developer’? What next, are we gonna have used car salesmen running for office next?

 The last guy he beat was Ted Cruz, who was the choice of the Republican establishment in the end since Trump is such a loose cannon. In fact, if it wasn’t for Trump, the ultra-conservative religious Cruz would be seen as the crazy outsider candidate.

WHY IS IT SO?

 What is the explanation for the dearth of good candidates for the most powerful job on Earth? This is a trend that has seemed to be happening for decades and it’s also present in other countries. From Britain to Spain to Australia to even the Philippines, where they just elected their own version of Trump as President (Rodrigo Duterte), we see this happening. Voters are getting increasingly disillusioned with politicians and the quality of candidates to choose from. Why is this? What is the real reason behind this political ennui?

 The answer is, of course, is the most obvious one. Lizard people! It would seem major parties are deliberately putting forward terrible, terrible candidates so that in the future when our only choices are between 2 reptilians, they won’t really seem that bad compared to people like Hilary and Trump. Most political leaders are already actually lizard people in disguise, but shapeshifting is really difficult and quite possibly many lizard people can’t hold a human shape properly and end up just looking weird. Hence if they can come out openly it will just be easier for them.

 Their plan is already bearing fruit, as people are already seeming willing to vote for lizard people, as this write-in vote in the 2008 US Senate election shows. For more evidence of people being so disillusioned they’re okay for voting for saurians, look at the Ontario Province election of 2003. A Progressive Conservative press release called opposition leader Dalton McGuinty an ‘evil reptilian kitten-eater from another planet’. The result – McGuinty won in a landslide. Showing that people are happy to vote for an evil lizard person so long as they promise to focus on health and education. And it also shows that people from Toronto are probably dog-people. Not actual dog-people, I mean they prefer dogs to cats. Although dog-people are actually a thing as well.

 How do we stop this lizard people takeover? I don’t know, I’m just the messenger. I’m about problems, not solutions.

NEXT TIME

 Provided I am not taken out by the powers that be I shall return ...  in the future. Probably. What deep conspiracy will I be unmasking like a cheap Halloween dress-up next time? Well, let me just say – mutant bears ravaging delicate ecosystems. Scared – you should be?

Starring: ?

Written by: ?

Edited by: ?

Music by: ?