[Transcript of Episode 19
(Series 2, Episode 3): ‘Can We Trust The Royals With Brexit’ from 6/5/18]
INTRO
Welcome, I’m the
Conspiracy Man.
While we are being distracted by a Royal wedding and baby
let’s have a look at what those toffee-nosed one-percenters are plotting behind
the scenes.
GOD SAVE THE QUEEN, SHE AIN’T NO HUMAN BEING
Sure, everybody knows
the British Royal family are secretly lizard people, but are they not even
British? Are the Royals just Eurotrash clothed in a Union Jack? This
European-ism may become a big issue when it comes to the finalisation of
Brexit. Can we really trust the Monarchy to allow Britain to leave the European
Union, as was decided in a free democratic election?
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| Pictured: An example of Eurotrash |
When it comes to
commenting on political matters the Queen is keen to stay out of them,
preferring to not even touch them with a 10-foot barge pole, which is
incidentally how she feels about people from northern England. Charles, on the
other hand, is a bit less discrete, having inherited some of his father’s
foot-in-mouth disease. But, privately the Queen is thought to be pro-Brexit.
What are the secrets
of these cousin-marrying, hunting-loving folks?
AS ENGLISH AS WARM BEER
The British royal family
or, as we really should say, the English royal family since they are as English
as apple … tarts, no matter how often they wear kilts to patronise the lesser
Home Countries, have a lot of ancestry that is anything but English. They have
more European DNA in them than an Amsterdam sex worker.
Before more modern
times they married overseas royals and aristocrats – people of better breeding
than you and I. Prince Phillip’s a Greek, although he does have English
ancestry – his great grandma was Queen Victoria, as was Elizabeth’s. Queen
Victoria herself was married to Prince Albert, a German, who was her first
cousin. Going back centuries very often the King was married to someone from
the continent – be they French, German, Dutch or from anywhere else on the
continent.
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| He also married his cousin and likes hunting. |
A corollary of this
meant that many European monarchs ended up in the line of succession to the
English throne and occasionally took over – as with the Dutch King William the
Third or the German George the 1st. Not even mentioning the fact the
early Norman kings of England were essentially French – famous king Richard the
Lionheart spoke French and not English.
While the
Anglo-Saxons themselves were a bunch of Europeans it seems the French Normans
really wanted to disown the Anglo-Saxon and Celtic past of England as a way of
legitimising the regime change of 1066.
We can see this
anti-Anglo-Saxon bias in our language – when it comes to many names for meats
we use the French term – beef, pork, veal, poultry, while the animal term comes
from Anglo-Saxon – cow, swine, calf, chicken. Because the poor Anglo-Saxon
produces the products that the rich Normans use.
A WAR OF THE ROSES BY ANY OTHER NAME
The Royal
preoccupation with all things European can be seen in the names of the monarchs
of England after the Norman Conquest of 1066. Almost all the names of these
monarchs are English names that are common in other European nations, either
being of Biblical, (e.g. Elizabeth, John, Mary and Anne, Greco-Roman such as
George, Stephen and Victoria, while many have a or Frankish or Germanic origin such
as Henry, Charles, William and Richard.
They ignore names
that were popular as Scottish king names – Gaelic derived names such as
Malcolm, Kenneth, Donald, Duncan and … Macbeth. They even avoid common Scottish
king names that are also European names such as Alexander, David, Robert and
James.
Of all the
post-Norman-conquest monarchs of England there’s only one name
of solely Anglo-Saxon origin – Edward, from the Anglos-Saxon name Éadweard. But Edward the 1st of England wasn’t the first Edward to
be King of England because they wanted to ignore the Anglo-Saxon Edward kings.
There is one other
English name that almost become a post-1066 British was Prince Arthur, named
after the mythical King Arthur, the son of Henry the 7th, but he
died young and his younger brother became Henry the 8th.
But none of the other
pre-Norman Conquest English king names are in use – no Alfred, Edmund, Harold (Prince
Harry name is Henry), Edgar, Eadwig, Aethelstan, Aethelred or some of the
Viking kings of England like Sweyn, Cnut, or Harthacnut.
One of Prince
Williams’ middle names is Arthur, a proper British origin name, but these guys
have so many damn middle names and middle names mean nothing. And isn’t it
interesting that many of the names of purely English or Celtic origin are often
associated with the lower classes – your Lloyds, Kevins, Barrys, Garrys, Craigs,
etc. We’ll never have good Anglo-Celtic named heirs like Prince Wayne.
TAKING THE ROYAL WEE
With all their
European background and Europhilic tendencies, can we really trust the Royal
family when it comes to Brexit?
Whether the Queen (or
a future King Charles) could legally overrule the British voters and Parliament
is unclear since the UK doesn’t have a written constitution, instead relying on
a combination of common law rulings and several post-it notes on the fridge.
The Head of State
does have the royal prerogative and in theory does have some rights when it
comes to the foreign affairs of the UK.
The solution?
Revolution! I’m not saying we need to guillotine every noble-blooded
Englishman, but some sort of bloody regime change seems necessary to protect
the rights of the British populace.
But we can’t expect
the people themselves to rise up against their oppressors – Brits don’t have
guns like us Yanks do.
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| You'll have to pry it from my cold, opiate-addicted hands |
Thus, if the Queen
uses her Royal prerogative to stop Brexit, Trump should intervene. Maybe he can
blow up Buckingham Castle or ask Putin to use some nerve agent to wipe out
these duplicitous usurpers. Better yet, use some undetectable homeopathic
poisons to get them – although Prince Charles might be wary of that – he’s a
big proponent of homeopathy.
NEXT TIME …
Provided I am not
taken out by the powers that be I shall return. So long as I’m not imprisoned
in the Tower of London. What conspiracy will I be knighting for services to the
Crown? Well, let me just say – wanna get high? Scared – you should be?
Starring: Buckingham
Written by: Windsor
Edited by: Sandringham
Music by: Balmoral
